Alone but Not Lonely: Mastering Your Social Fulfillment

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Hi there,

I’ve had many conversations recently about the difference between being alone and feeling lonely and what can be done to address the growing epidemic of loneliness.

So we’re all on the same page, here’s how I see the difference:

Being alone is the physical state of not being with another individual (human or animal—yes, pets count).

Feeling lonely is a psychological state characterized by a distressing experience due to the perception that your social relationships are less than you desire them to be (either in quality or quantity). Put another way: when the social contact you experience at any given moment doesn’t fulfill you, you feel lonely.

Yes, it’s possible to feel lonely even when others surround you.

But it’s also entirely possible to work on your social relationships so that they do fulfill you, and you can be alone, or with others, without feeling lonely.

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to assess your state of connection so you can understand where you are in your friendships versus where you want to be.

If your state of connection is low, you’re prone to loneliness.

If your state of connection is high, you’re not as susceptible to feeling lonely, but you’re not out of the woods entirely.

Regardless, there’s always work to be done to make new friends or reconnect with old ones.

And how many of you actually did the assessment? A show of hands?

(It’s perfectly normal if you didn’t bother to do the assessment.)

After all, it takes work to strengthen and maintain our connections, just like it takes work to strengthen and maintain our physical bodies. And that shit gets tiring after a while, even when you’re highly motivated.

On top of it all, we’ve got an entire tech industry focused on using design techniques to keep people hooked to their screens for as long and as frequently as possible.

Who can blame us for escaping the discomfort of social disconnect by finding those dopamine hits served up on demand on our phones? After all, thousands of engineers have fine-tuned the algorithms to use our self-interest against us in an endless scroll.

And so we live in a screen-dominated, loneliness-inducing world.

But that doesn’t mean we have to give up.

More after a word from our sponsor…

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Group Activities Optimized for the Individual

There’s a body of literature supporting the theory that our species, homo sapiens, survived all the other archaic humans (Neanderthals, et al) because of our ability to collaborate and cooperate within and across species.

We’ve evolved because of our ability to connect with each other and protect each other and do great things together.

And yet, these days, we are more alone than ever before.

Activities that we used to do together in groups are now optimized for the individual experience:

• meetings in person are instead conducted by conference call from individual headsets

• live events are recorded so that we can experience it alone as it fits our schedule

• video games are now designed for group play from individual devices—most game consoles come with a single controller, and you can’t even play a game in the same room from the same console

So, it takes a conscious effort to buck the trend and choose to be present with others. But it’s so worth the minimal effort it actually takes.

Do something, anything, new to change your daily experience and make tomorrow different than today:

Take out your earbuds. Listen to what’s going on around you.

Turn off your phone. Look at who else is open to connecting.

Talk to one another. You’ll never know what you have in common unless you speak.

Heck, go run some errands together...

Our friends at AXIOS recently spotlighted the “errand friend” as a way to embrace the art of socializing while doing mundane tasks. Doing these boring things together gets you off your screens and gives you a feeling of accomplishment, to boot.

It may seem the world is conspiring against your feeling connected.

Make this your moment to shine and connect with someone anyway.

READER FEEDBACK: Need a little more inspiration for reaching out?

After last week’s newsletter went out, a reader shared her tip for reconnecting with an old friend. She often looks for a photo of the two of them together to send along with her “thinking of you - got some time?” text. The photo evokes even more good feelings, and the conversation flows more easily from there.

ACTION PLAN: Conversation Starters for Deeper Connection

Want to reconnect in a way that deepens your relationship? The next time you talk, start your conversation with one of these three phrases:

1. I was just thinking of you…
   This conveys a sense of belonging. And it’s true: before you even open your mouth, you’re anticipating the conversation you’ll have, which means you’re thinking of them at that moment.

2. You’re always so…
   This conveys a sense of appreciation. Here’s your chance to give a compliment that is unique to them and shows you pay attention to their value in your relationship.

3. Last time we talked, you mentioned…
   This conveys a sense of importance. By bridging back to the last conversation you had, you’re showing you pay attention and what they say to you matters.

What’s been your experience of being alone versus feeling lonely? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox, and maybe into the next newsletter. 🙏