Beyond Small Talk: A Guide to Genuine Connections

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Hi there,

I picked up a new turn of phrase in my travels this week in Finland: Tyvestä puuhun noustaan.

The phrase translates as “A tree is climbed from its base.”

While it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue (watch a Finn say it), it is an excellent reminder that we need to learn to walk before we can run.

I was in Sweden and Finland this past week to teach workshops to Nordic entrepreneurs on how to create connections and networks in the United States.

While I covered the network concepts of reciprocity, structural topologies, and closing triangles, I made sure to focus on the basics of getting beyond small talk and connecting on a deeper level.

The feedback I got after the session was overwhelming gratitude for this reminder of how to do the simple things as a stepping stone to connecting more deeply, and therefore more valuably, with others.

Much of the professional networking advice I see focuses on selecting the right target, preparing for the meeting, and following up afterward.

This advice all assumes we’ve already mastered how to connect as humans.

This advice has us running to network, assuming we are already skilled at walking.

Instead, we need to take a moment to return to the early stuff to remind ourselves what helps us build strong connections: the kinds of connections that turn strangers into acquaintances, acquaintances into friends, and friends into close connections.

Think about how excited and animated you get when talking with someone about things that matter to you. The conversation flows easily, the smiles are abundant, and you want to reconnect with that person again to recreate the scene.

Isn’t that the best version of yourself you want out there to attract like-minded folks to you? Don’t you want to share this kind of energy with others, whether you’re socializing or doing business?

It’s not difficult to create these kinds of interactions, but it does take a mindset of wanting to connect at a deeper level.

For the vast majority of us, our default mode is to engage with others in small talk only: How are you? Fine. How’s work? Busy. How are the kids? Busy. Okay, see you later.

How do we get beyond this? I tell you after this word from our sponsor.

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Connecting Beyond Small Talk

So, in our workshop, we practiced three ways to get out of “small talk mode” by creating ever more potential to find things you both want to talk about.

1) Add one more sentence

Always be opening up to the curious-minded. Instead of answering the usual small talk questions with a short answer, add one more sentence to show you’re open to talking more.

While I was in Finland, I was constantly asked, “Is this your first time in Finland?”

I could have replied “No” and been done with it. Next!

Instead, I answered, “No, I keep coming back because it’s the best place to collect rocks in your shoes!” (They grit their sidewalks with small granite pebbles for traction in the winter, and it gets stuck in your shoe tread.) This never ceased to illicit a smile and let the conversation flow in a friendly way from there.

2) Give three hooks in your answer

Ever been with someone who totally dominated the conversation the moment you asked an opening question, like you were the first person they’d spoken to in weeks? Yeah, don’t be that person.

Connection comes from taking turns conversing about things you both enjoy, so increase the potential to talk about things you enjoy (you) by creating hooks to take your conversation partner where you want to be.

So, before you go to the next place where you could meet someone new, what are the three things you want someone to know about you? Regardless of the question asked, you’re going to find a way to invite your conversation partner to ask even more questions about at least one of these things.

Here’s how: for each of these three things, create a hook to invite a more extended conversation about that topic. Incorporate these hooks into your response to any small talk question and watch the conversation flow.

Here’s an example response to “Where are you from?”

Typical, but not so helpful: “I’m from California.” (NOTE: It still invites “where in California?” but don’t make them do the work to probe for a way to connect.)

Three hooks answer: “I live in Silicon Valley, but now that my kids are in college, I’m looking to move someplace better for my business.”

This answer is begging for a follow-up on any of the multiple areas I want them to explore with me:

1. What it’s like living in Silicon Valley,

2. Where are my kids going to school,

3. Where would I move, and

4. What do I do for work. (yeah, it’s more than three).

Because I’ve done this for a while and know how to keep the conversation flowing, I’ve got another three-hook answer for each of the follow-ups questions to invite even further exploration.

It’s a choose-your-own-adventure for my conversation partner, and a sure-fire way to connect us deeper than we otherwise would have.

3) Go there first

We all want to connect deeply with others, yet most of us are not connecting at the level we want to.

This is a fundamental yearning that comes from our being pro-social organisms. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, it’s a component of our basic needs for safety and security, and it’s fundamental to meeting our psychological needs to become self-fulfilled.

So then why do we wait to connect deeply with others until we’re invited?

Herein lies the biggest secret to taking any conversation to a deeper level: make the move and go there first.

You want to have a better, deeper conversation? Go there first.

Show your conversation partner you’re not like the others and want to connect. This will leave a lasting impression and help you stand out in a sea of small talkers.

• Make a compliment. Share something that shows you see them and that you appreciate them.

• Tell a Joke. Share something that shows you are playful and that it is okay to relax together.

• Share an imperfection. Share something that shows you are vulnerable and that you feel you’re safe enough together to admit it.

Want to make an even bigger impression? Do this in a group of people and watch them all follow you.

This requires what the Finns call “sisu” (and what makes them and their culture so great): a grit and determination to do the right thing.

And the right thing is to lead the way and go there first.

But the payoff is enormous.

You start having the kinds of conversations you want to be having.

The kinds of conversations that will make you keep your phone in your pocket and your AirPods in their case.

The kinds of conversations that strengthen your network and attract others to want to connect with you.

The kinds of conversations that help us all feel closer and less alone.

In closing, the other Finnish saying I learned this week is Niin metsä vastaa, kuin sinne huudetaan. 

It translates as “The forest answers in the same way one shouts at it.”

Basically, it means “what goes around, comes around.”

And I think this is the perfect framing for us as we reach out to our old friends, warm up our cold friends, and make acquaintances from strangers.

What we’re putting out there in our networks by busting through the small talk and connecting on a deeper level will return to us exponentially (yes, the maths math on that).

Who will you reach out to today?

What are your three hooks?

What’s your one more sentence?

Take it there. You go first.

What I’m contemplating this week

What’s been your experience breaking out of small talk? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏