Breaking Through the Silence of Loneliness

Harness the power of love to transform relationships and challenge the norms of connection.

Author

Thomas Kriese
February 14, 2025

In partnership with

Hi there,

It’s Valentine’s Day as this newsletter lands in your box. So, Happy Day! (if you’re one to celebrate it).

As an adult, I’ve celebrated about half my Valentine’s Days as a married man, a third of them unmarried but in a relationship, and the rest of them as a singleton. I think I’ve experienced the holiday from enough angles to be at peace with its place on the calendar, regardless of my relationship status.

And yet, I’m not afraid to admit that I love love.

I love the feeling of wanting the best for someone else, of being proud of their accomplishments, of accepting their faults, of admiring their skills, of unlocking their dreams, and of easing their pains.

So, while I let go of the idea of meeting my one true love long ago (divorce will do that to you), I’ve found a much larger group of people to have strong feelings for and to feel deeply connected to.

Through the gift of middle age, my inhibitions have disappeared when I tell these people who matter to me that I love them, whether they are young or old, male or female, reciprocated or not.

I’ve decided that one thing the world needs most now is a reminder of the love we share.

For the last year, when I’ve been in conversation with a dear friend and felt so moved, I’ve made sure to tell them I love them. In just as many words: “I love you.”

More often than not, they’ve respond with an “I love you, too.”

But sometimes, there’s an awkward silence first.

Other times, there’s a stammer or a mumbled “thanks” and a change of subject.

To me, it doesn’t matter what the reaction is.

It’s all about making sure they know they are loved.

It’s about making sure they know someone cares about them.

Sure, I hope they feel the same about me, but they might not yet be free of their inhibitions to say so.

At the very least, I can invite them to feel the connection.

And it starts with my saying it first.

CHALLENGE: Tell ‘em you love ‘em

When was the last time you first told someone you loved them?

Share the love this week!**

Tell someone you care deeply about that you love them, especially if it’s someone you’ve felt all the feelings of love for, but have never used the L word to convey it.

You might be surprised to see the feelings match, or you might be surprised at their inability to respond in kind.

Regardless, there will be one less chance for loneliness to catch a foothold in that person’s life because they know you care.

** Please use common sense in this challenge. Don’t give HR a reason to get involved.

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Why does this matter?

Because loneliness is at an all-time high.

Americans are spending 99 more minutes alone each day than we did two decades ago.

Between 2003 and 2022, Americans cut our face-to-face socializing by an alarming 30%. Teenagers saw an even steeper drop at 45%, while single adults experienced a 35% decline.

This trend cuts across every demographic. We are retreating from in-person connection, and it’s taking a toll on our humanity.

Our loneliness has the same negative impact on our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day: it’s a major contributor to ailments including heart disease, strokes, and dementia.

It’s no coincidence that the invention of smartphones and the perfection of the infinite scroll have left little room for opportunities to connect with one another genuinely.

But connect we must. (← sounds best in a Yoda-like voice)

Photo by Erva Nur

Too many people have determined that the imagined pain of anxiety rooted in the fear of a failed bid for connection outweighs the real pain of loneliness.

I see this in young people, especially, as they are still trying to undo the forced isolation of the COVID years. They lost out on several critical years of practicing their socializing skills, and so they’re unsure how to make those connections happen. They don’t want to suffer the embarrassment of rejection, so they don’t try.

And they instead get their dopamine fix from the infinite scroll on their screens.

Our anxiety is crippling our connectedness.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

When Pain of Current State >> Pain of Future State

That's when change happens. And it can change quickly.

But no one can want it for us.

We have to want it.

We have to want to be connected again (especially when there’s so much divisiveness in the news).

This is the moment to push back against the tide of isolation, of fear of “otherness."

This is when we look up from our screens and rediscover the power of being together.

The answer to the loneliness epidemic isn’t up there in the digital ether.

It’s here in the courageous, everyday act of showing up for each other.

And telling each other we care for them.

EXERCISE: Five Ways to Show Up for Each Other

Daniel Weinsveg, an Experience Facilitator at the Modern Elder Academy, shares five simple ways to reclaim the art of showing up for each other:

Start Small: Look people in the eye and say hello. Greet your barista, your neighbor, or the cashier at your grocery store by name. These everyday, “weak tie” connections are more significant than they seem.

Create Cadence: Build routines that foster connection. Join or organize a weekly potluck, book club, or group hike. Shared rituals create a rhythm of belonging.

Be Intentional: Reach out to someone you’ve lost touch with. It doesn’t take much—a text, a phone call, or an invitation for coffee can breathe life into an old relationship.

Prioritize Presence: When you’re with someone, be with them. Put your phone away. Your undivided attention is one of the rarest, most valuable gifts you can offer.

Embrace Vulnerability: Let trusted friends see your beautiful, messy, human self. Sharing your struggles and joys deepens trust and connection.

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