Clear the Clutter, Keep the Connection

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Hi there, it’s Thomas.

Most of us think of improving our lives the same way we think of remodeling a house: add a new habit here, hang a new mindset there, bring in a new friend or goal to decorate the walls. We’re conditioned to believe that progress comes from doing more.

But the psychology of behavior change tells us something else entirely.

One of the fastest paths to growth isn’t addition. It’s subtraction.

In their book Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard, Chip and Dan Heath note that identifying “bright spots” (what’s working) is useful, but so is spotlighting what’s weighing us down. That means actively noticing and removing the habits, people, and environments that sap your energy and social health.

This is especially important as we age. A 2020 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that older adults with diverse positive social ties lived longer and reported better cognitive health. But the reverse is also true: persistent exposure to negative relationships—those characterized by criticism, obligation, or imbalance—has been shown to increase risk for depression and even chronic inflammation in a longitudinal study of US adults (Yang, Schorpp, et al., 2013).

What Are You Tolerating?

Ask yourself this uncomfortable, but powerful, question:

What am I currently tolerating that I shouldn’t be?

Maybe it’s a relationship where you’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells. Maybe it’s a recurring social obligation that drains rather than fills you. Maybe it’s a habit of saying “yes” when you want to say “no.”

This kind of creeping discomfort is so common it has a name: creeping normality. The term, coined by American scientist Jared Diamond, refers to the way we slowly accept worsening conditions because they change gradually, not all at once.

One day, you look up and realize:

• You're surrounded by people who drain your energy.

• You feel guilt instead of joy after social interactions.

• Your calendar is full, but you’re still yearning for connection.

These things don’t happen overnight. They creep in, become routine, and rob you of the time and space and attention you need to deepen connections with those who genuinely uplift you.

We’ll talk about how to combat this phenomenon after a word from our sponsor…

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Subtract to Create Space

When you remove a negative influence from your life, you’re not just eliminating a source of stress; you’re creating space. Space for new routines. Space for reflection. And most importantly, space for more fulfilling friendships.

Think of it as spring cleaning your social garden (never mind that it’s September already). Not every plant is meant to grow forever. Prune what’s overgrown, uproot what’s toxic, and make room for new growth.

We’re all bound by Dunbar’s number, marking our capacity for meaningful relationships. Our capacity is like a clay pot that can only hold a finite number of pebbles, in this case: 150 of them.

So, if someone’s taking up too much space in our clay pot, and offering little nourishment in return, it may be time to gently, mindfully, let that connection go.

Beware the Echo Chamber

Subtraction has limits.

There’s a trap hidden in the pruning.

If we only keep the people who think like us, vote like us, talk like us, and believe like us, we risk shrinking our world into an echo chamber.

Sociologist Mark Granovetter’s theory of the “strength of weak ties” reminds us that distant connections, not our closest friends, are often the most useful in surfacing new ideas, job leads, and cross-pollinated perspectives.

This matters more with age. Remember my favorite study? A 2020 study published in Psychological Science found that older adults with diverse social networks had greater cognitive flexibility and resilience than those with homogeneous ties.

Diversity matters. So how do we subtract the draining while staying open to the different?

• Remove toxicity, not diversity. Let go of those who make you feel smaller. Keep those who challenge your thinking with care.

• Curate for energy, not ideology. Ask yourself: Does this person make me feel more like myself, even if we disagree?

• Invite respectful dissent. The best friendships can hold complexity. Stay curious, especially in moments of contrast.

The goal isn’t comfort. It’s connection.

And connection requires range, and it needs room.

Subtraction Makes Room for Growth

You’re not trying to end all tension or friction.

You’re trying to re-center your energy.

By removing what pulls you away from your values, you make space for people and experiences that bring you closer to them.

And here’s the irony: once you start doing this, you often realize you have more capacity, not less, for generosity and curiosity and connection.

You’re less reactive. Less exhausted. More present.

And that version of you? That’s the one who builds the kind of network that actually supports your growth.

This Week’s Friendship Challenge

Before next week’s newsletter lands in your inbox, identify one relationship, habit, or social pattern you’re tolerating, but shouldn’t be.

Ask yourself:

• What is this costing me?

• What might open up if I gave myself permission to let go?

Then, gently, take a step back.

And with that new space, reach out to someone you’ve wanted to get closer to.

The one who lights you up. The one who leaves you better. The one who, after spending time with them, makes you say: “Why don’t we do this more often?”

That’s subtraction doing its best work: creating space for the people who deserve it.

Some people are natural friendship pruners, and others agonize over the breaking of connections. Which are you? Do you have a tip you think could help others? Just hit reply to let me know. 🙏

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