Closing the Liking Gap to Strengthen Connections

Hi there, welcome to issue #37!

Oceans has sponsored this week’s Network Wrangler, and you can find their information just above the weekly survey down below.

But before you go there, I have a pop quiz for you:

Without looking, how many messages (emails, texts, DMs) have you received in the last two weeks that were from someone you hadn’t heard from in over a year? (Yes, I’m asking about your old/cold connections.)

Did you hear from one? Did you hear from several?

How did you feel when you saw the sender’s name appear? How did you feel after you read what they wrote? Better than before? Neutral? Worse? (sorry)

If you haven’t heard from anyone, how does that make you feel right now? If you’re not feeling very appreciated, you’re suffering from what researchers call “the liking gap” which is the tendency to underestimate how well liked you really are. (Don’t worry, I’ve got an action item for closing this gap. Read on to learn what it is.)

Now for some reason I haven’t yet figured out, I’ve been on the receiving end of almost a half dozen of these messages (two by text, one on Facebook, two in email) since last week’s newsletter went out. And I noticed that, with each one’s appearance, I got an immediate positive uplift from seeing the sender’s name.

As I’m writing this, I realize, in hindsight, that what they actually said in their message didn’t do anything to diminish this glow from seeing their outreach to me. And my reaction is completely in line with what research tells us about the surprise of reaching out.

At our core, we humans are social beings, and we thrive when we connect with others, whether as the initiator or the receiver of the outreach.

The research reveals that even lightweight outreach has an outsized impact on recipients' feelings of value. Lightweight outreach could be a simple check-in to see how the recipient is doing, a brief message to show the sender is thinking of the recipient, or even a small, unexpected gift.

The tl;dr of this is that the effort required to strengthen a bond with someone in your network is likely much smaller than you think it is.

Longtime readers know I’m a big advocate of sending out a simple “I was thinking of you today. I hope you’re doing well.” to anyone in your network you want to renew your connection with. The research backs up how effective this is in lifting the spirits of the person you’re reaching out to, and how could they not think to respond in kind?

For those of you who answered the pop quiz with “I haven’t heard from anyone,” well, congratulations! Don’t let someone else feel the way you are now. The ball is in your court to send a lightweight message to someone, anyone, you want to reconnect with and bring a ray of sunshine to their inbox. Who’s going to be the first one to receive your joy?

It’s just a matter of time before you’re on the receiving end of a similar note and the uplift it brings.

Want to make it even easier to reconnect? Forward this very newsletter to them with a note that it made you think of them.

The Key Elements of a Strong Adult Friendship

My youngest started back at elementary school last month, and I’m marveling at her ability to make fast friends with the new kids in her classrooms and in her after-school programs.

Looking across the 40+ year age gap between us, I can’t help but be jealous of the speed at which these relationships are forming.

It’s not so easy to make new friends as an adult, even when you want to make friends with someone. In fact, research shows it takes a lot of time: as much as 200 hours to go from “we just met” to “we’re close friends.”

A study at the University of Kansas shows that it takes about 43 hours to become an acquaintance with somebody, about 94 hours to transition to being friends, and more than 200 hours together to become good friends.

Given the time investment involved to make new friends, maybe it’s time to consider how to keep our existing adult friendships strong.

Friendship in adulthood is more than just spending time with someone; it’s about forming meaningful, long-lasting connections that bring joy, comfort, and support. A great friendship involves six key components that help determine its quality and depth. Understanding these components allows you to build and maintain stronger friendships that enhance your well-being and overall happiness. (research proves these benefits!)

Six Key Components of a Strong Adult Friendship

1. Shared Activities and Fun: Engaging in enjoyable activities together, like trying new hobbies, going on adventures, or simply relaxing over a good conversation, is crucial. It keeps the friendship lively and helps build lasting memories.

   • Call to Action: Plan a new experience or outing with a friend this month, something that both of you will enjoy and remember. If applicable, leave the kids at home.
     

2. Mutual Support: Friends are there for each other in good times and bad, providing different types of support:

   • Emotional Support: Being a source of comfort, understanding, and encouragement.

   • Practical Support: Offering help with tasks, advice, or even a listening ear.

   • Informational Support: Sharing knowledge, resources, or guidance.

   • Call to Action: Reach out to a friend who might need support today. Offer a listening ear or practical help to show that you’re there for them.
     

3. Emotional Safety: A strong friendship provides a sense of security and comfort, especially in uncertain or stressful times. Friends help reduce anxiety and provide reassurance in difficult situations.

   • Call to Action: Be a calming presence for a friend who is going through a challenging time. Offer them your time and a safe space to talk. Be sure to clarify what they need in advance: someone to listen or someone to problem-solve.
     

4. Loyalty and Reliability: Trust and loyalty are the bedrock of any good friendship. Friends who are reliable and consistently available build a solid foundation for lasting connections.

   • Call to Action: Demonstrate your loyalty by being consistent and dependable in your interactions with friends. Show up when you say you will. Stay true to your word.
     

5. Positive Affirmation: Good friends validate each other by providing encouragement, celebrating successes, and helping each other maintain a positive self-image.

   • Call to Action: Take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate a friend’s achievements. Send a thoughtful message or share words of encouragement. Or simply express gratitude for the unique friendship you share.
     

6. Intimacy and Trust: Real friendships involve sharing personal thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This openness builds trust and creates deeper, more meaningful connections.

   • Call to Action: Make time for a deeper conversation with a friend. Share something personal and be ready to listen and respond with empathy. When was the last time you told your friend you loved them?

Focusing on these key elements can help you cultivate fulfilling and enriching friendships. All of the above contribute to the 200 hours it takes to become good friends as an adult. And these friendships are essential to personal growth and happiness, adding tremendous value to your life.

Who is going to be the first friend you reach out to this weekend?

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Learn more about Oceans

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