Don't Just Stay Close, Reach Further

Hi there,

With everything going on in our lives: deadlines, commutes, parenting, partnerships, and the occasional moment to breathe, it’s natural to prioritize the people closest to us. We text them. We see them. We default to them when we have time or energy left over at the end of the day.

But in the background, something quieter and more consequential is happening: our distant ties are disappearing.

The old college friend you adored but haven’t messaged in years.

The former colleague who made you laugh in every meeting but drifted away post-promotion.

The friend-of-a-friend who brought incredible energy to every group dinner but hasn’t been invited in a while.

These people, the weak ties, the familiar but not close, the once-close but now cold, are fading out of our lives. And we’re worse off for it.

Dunbar’s Churn and the Nature of Social Flow

This slow fade is natural. British anthropologist Robin Dunbar famously theorized that we can only cognitively manage about 150 meaningful relationships at a time. And according to follow-up studies by Geral Mollenhorst, we lose about half of our close connections every seven years. That’s not failure. That’s flow. That’s life. That’s what I call Dunbar’s Churn.

But what’s not inevitable is letting those ties disappear forever without a trace. Because these mid-tier social ties: our neighbors, our former classmates, our friendly acquaintances, are all quietly powerful. Sociologist Mark Granovetter coined this power in his classic 1973 paper: “The Strength of Weak Ties.” His research showed that our weaker connections often provide the most valuable opportunities, like job leads, new perspectives, or unexpected social support.

Belonging Beyond the Inner Circle

Strong communities aren’t just built from inner circles. They thrive on outer rings: the kind where you’re not best friends, but you’re known, welcomed, and included.

Psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad (she’s also a professor at BYU) has shown that the variety of our social relationships is just as important as their depth. In one long-term study, participants with diverse social networks, including casual acquaintances, were more resilient to stress and lived longer than those with fewer types of social ties.

Why? Because broader networks offer:

• More emotional and practical resources

• Greater exposure to ideas and norms

• A deeper sense of *belonging to something bigger**

And belonging is no small thing. A 2023 report from the U.S. Surgeon General’s office labeled “belonging” a vital public health concern. Its absence, loneliness, is linked to heart disease, depression, and even cognitive decline.

We can no longer afford the cognitive dissonance. We must tackle this epidemic of loneliness. And what better place than with the people we spend the majority of our waking hours with each week?

Community at Work (and Beyond)

We tend to think of community as something we join outside of work. But a healthy workplace can be one of the most robust communities we have. In high-functioning teams, there’s a shared commitment to growth, a safety to be real, and a trust that others will both challenge and support you.

That’s not accidental. That’s community by design: a culture where people matter, and matter to each other. Even at work, it’s not just your closest colleague who helps you thrive. It’s also the person who always remembers your coffee order. Or the one who shares memes on Slack. Or the one you chat with in the elevator, but don’t even know their last name.

They matter more than you think.

They are your weak ties.

And they’re among your best prospects for bringing something new and valuable into your life. They’re your next step on the path to changing for the better.

This Week’s Challenge: Reconnect with a Cold Tie

This coming week, before the next newsletter reaches your inbox, I challenge you to reach past your inner circle and rekindle a “cold” connection.

• Scroll through your phone’s Contacts app or look through your LinkedIn connections.

• Find someone you haven’t talked to in a while, but remember liking.

• Send them a short message. Ask how they’re doing. Invite them for coffee. Or simply say you were thinking of them.

Don’t overthink it. Don’t make it heavy. Just reach out.

The conversation, if it’s meant to be, will flow from there.

These aren’t just social niceties. They’re life-sustaining acts that boost your well-being, expand your social capital, and enrich both your present and your future.

After all, the community you build today could be the lifeline you (or someone else) needs tomorrow.

So reach out. Rebuild. Reconnect.

Let’s grow stronger, together.

This isn’t the first time I’ve asked you to reach out to an old and cold connection. If you’ve done it before, what’s been your experience? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏