Don't Let AI Fool You: The Real Upgrade is Human Connection

Hi there,

I’ve long believed in the potential of artificial intelligence to make our lives better. Offload the menial. Automate the mundane. Free us from the monotonous tasks.

That’s the dream, right?

More freedom. More time. More room to be present with each other.

But here’s the thing about AI (and all the other technologies we’ve come to love and depend on): It’s dangerously good at making us feel connected without actually connecting us.

AI won’t replace human connection. But it can distract us from it, especially when connection requires effort, vulnerability, and patience.

Which is… always.

We’ve already seen this happen with our addiction to our screens.

When confronted with a pang of loneliness, we used to call someone. Or meet a friend. Or wander into a coffee shop hoping to strike up a conversation. Now? We scroll. We swipe. We stream.

And it works. We get a little dopamine hit. We feel something. But what we feel isn’t bonding. It’s buffering.

Dopamine vs. Oxytocin

Let’s get chemical for a second.

• Dopamine: The “reward” neurotransmitter. It makes you feel good when you check something off your list, get a like on a post (or newsletter), or finally guess today’s Wordle. Instant gratification. Shallow rewards.

• Oxytocin: The “connection” hormone. It’s released through trust, eye contact, a shared laugh, a warm hug. Deep bonding. Long-term health benefits.

Here’s the twist: dopamine is easier to get. That’s why our phones and social scrolls are designed to feed it to us in endless loops.

But oxytocin? That takes another person. It takes time. It takes effort. It takes you choosing people over pixels.

AI Can Talk, But It Can’t Connect

There are more and more articles about people creating chatbots for companionship. I’m not talking about using AI for research or thought-partnering. I’m talking about using AI to power a chatbot to be a bespoke social companion.

Sure, you can talk to an AI chatbot. And sometimes it helps to get your thoughts out. But let’s be clear: that’s not relationship. That’s not reciprocity. That’s not being seen and known and loved by another gloriously messy human being who brings their own weirdness to the table too.

Real friendships don’t just give you the warm fuzzies. They make you healthier. Psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analysis of 148 studies found that people with strong social ties have a 50% increased likelihood of survival over time compared to those with weaker connections. That’s stronger than the impact of quitting smoking or exercising more.

But building these ties isn’t passive. You have to tend to them through time, presence, shared experiences, and yes, sometimes awkward or inconvenient effort.

The Cost of Knowing But Not Doing

Here’s where things get uncomfortable. Most of us know this already. We know social connection matters. We know we need to call that friend back. Or make new ones. Or show up for the people in our lives.

But we don’t do it. We let the friction win. (It’s too early. It’s too late. It’s too awkward. It’s too cheesy.)

We default to finding comfort in our screens and scrolls and feeds and filters.

That’s cognitive dissonance. The gap between what we know we should do and what we actually do. And the gap builds up like plaque in your arteries: quietly, until it isn’t.

To paraphrase Esther Perel: You don’t know you’ve run out of friends until you don’t have anyone who will watch your cat.

So let’s do something about it.

This Week’s Challenge: Close Your Dissonance Gap

Step One: Pick one area of your life where your actions don’t match your values. It could be:

• Eating better

• Exercising more

• Sleeping longer

• Saving money

• Reaching out to a friend

Step Two: Make one small, specific change this week to close that gap.

• Text a friend you’ve been meaning to catch up with.

• Ask someone to go on a walk or grab coffee.

• Say hi to a neighbor instead of looking at your phone.

• Schedule a time for a phone call—and keep it.

It’s not about grand gestures. It’s about choosing people over pixels in the small moments.

Your future self and your future friendships will thank you.

When I was field testing this week’s challenge, I decided to do something about my dissonance gap with lifting weights. I know all the reasons it’s good for me, and yet I just didn’t incorporate lifting into my weekly routine.

So I enlisted the help of ChatGPT to act as an Olympic Strength Trainer to design a two-month workout plan for me, and I’m completing my second week of it as this newsletter arrives in your inbox.

The special twist? I’m doing the workouts at my local gym where I’m forced to interact with others instead of doing it in the comfort of my apartment’s perfectly serviceable gym set.

More on what I’m discovering, interacting with others in the gym, in a future issue. Oh, and hit me up if you’re interested in seeing the prompt I used to get ChatGPT to design my workout program.

What’s been your experience overcoming cognitive dissonance? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏