Fighting the Lizard Brain in Your Network

Hi there, happy Thursday!

Welcome to issue #21 of the Network Wrangler. If issues were years, we’d be sipping Bruxo mezcal legally with this week’s issue. Here’s what we’re covering today:

• Mentally Preparing Your Networked Life

• Finding the Best Mentor for Your Inner Circle

Making Mental Room for Your New Networked Life

Can you remember the first time you felt dissatisfied?

Not to spoil the exercise, but no matter how deep you access the recesses of your mind, the answer is going to be no, because it’s trapped as a reaction in your nervous system.

See, the first time we felt dissatisfied was in those first moments after we came out of the womb and breathed air instead of amniotic fluid. Our nervous systems reacted to the sudden change, and we spontaneously let out our first cries to signal this dissatisfaction with the status quo (hey, where’d that warm amniotic fluid go?). And, traditionally, we each found comfort in our mother’s loving embrace, setting in motion the cycle of seeking safety and comfort that stays with us even today.

Our nervous system, specifically the limbic system, propels us to seek safety when disturbed. Our limbic system is the one in charge of fight, flight, freeze, feed, and fornicate. And the limbic system is often called our “lizard brain” because it’s about as sophisticated as a lizard’s brain ever gets.

So, to our lizard brain, “familiar = safe.” And “not familiar = dangerous.”

And so we humans embrace the familiar instead of the new, even when the familiar is bad for us. Even though we’re still dissatisfied.

• Feeling lonely? The anxiety of going out to meet new people and risk social rejection is too great. I’ll stay with the familiarity of loneliness.

• Feeling unhealthy? It’s so difficult to start a new workout regimen. I’ll stay with the familiarity of couch surfing.

• Feeling poor? It’s so difficult to save money and pay off my debts. I’ll keep spending money I don’t have because it feels good to get new things.

Ever tried a new diet? Or a new workout plan? Those are both bids to escape dissatisfaction.

The imagined new you (skinny! muscular!) was an enticing goal and propelled you through the first few days/weeks of change. But then your nervous system kicked in again to remind you this new you was unfamiliar.

Your nervous system steered you back to the old, familiar (= safe!) you, and your diet/workout plan likely fell apart, as your nervous system settled you back into the safety of the familiar.

This, in a nutshell, is why change is so hard. We’ve got eons of nervous system evolution working against us.

But it’s not impossible.

We’re social creatures, and we can use the power of our social circles—our inner circles and broader networks—to help propel us into new versions of ourselves.

When we want to become healthy, we need to stop doing unhealthy things.

When we want to become wealthy, we need to stop doing things that make us poor.

When we want to become a new version of ourselves, we need to stop spending time with those people who really don’t want to see us change.

And so, there’s a versioning gap we need to address.

Are you satisfied with who you are today? I’m not, and I know I’m not alone.

Can you imagine the person you want to become? I have a pretty good idea of the new me I want to become.

The people you surround yourself with today are familiar with the current version of you. And they feel safe interacting with this familiar you. The person you want to become will be unfamiliar to them. And that, at a lizard brain level, will feel dangerous to them.

This means we need to take a long, hard look at the people we spend our time with today.

Who is going to embrace the new you and help you with your transition?

Who is going to resist your becoming someone new because they love/depend on/need the current version of you?

Take some time this weekend to consider how you’re going to make room for your new networked life to help you become this awesome new version of you.

I’ll talk about the process of pruning next week.

Finding the Best Mentor for Your Inner Circle

As I’ve discussed in the Inner Circe Effect, finding a mentor can be one of the most significant steps in pursuing personal and professional growth. A mentor with the right qualities can provide guidance, wisdom, and insights that propel you toward success. Understanding the qualities defining the mentor archetype is crucial in selecting the right person to fill this role.

You may already have a mentor in your Inner Circle (awesome for you!). Evaluating how they’re doing in their role is always worthwhile. And having more than one mentor may be right for what you’re trying to do.

Here are the qualities to look for in your Mentor archetype:

1. Expertise and Experience: 

This week, I was reminded again that knowledge without experience is just philosophy. Look for a mentor who not only possesses a wealth of experience but also has demonstrated success in the area you seek to grow in. This could be a leader in your industry, a senior professional, or even a peer who has navigated challenges similar to those you face. Their expertise will serve as a foundation for the mentorship, offering you practical advice and proven strategies.

2. Willingness to Share Knowledge: 

A true mentor is not just knowledgeable but also eager to share that knowledge. They should be approachable and communicative, willing to pass on valuable information and experiences without reservation. This generosity in sharing is a hallmark of a genuine mentor.

3. Ability to Inspire and Motivate: 

Choose a mentor who inspires you. Their career trajectory, decision-making skills, and personal integrity should motivate you to pursue greater achievements. Inspiration is a powerful motivator, and a mentor who can inspire you will push you to go beyond your limits.

4. Commitment to Your Growth: 

A key quality of a mentor is their commitment to the mentee’s growth. Look for someone who is interested in your development and invests time in helping you achieve your goals. This could be through regular meetings, feedback sessions, or simply being available to answer questions as they arise.

5. Good Listener and Advisor: 

Finally, a mentor should be a great listener and a wise advisor. They need to understand your needs and concerns genuinely to provide guidance that is not only wise but also tailored to your specific situation. Some of my favorite mentors asked me more questions than I did of them, and it was through these types of “holding space” interactions that I got wiser, faster.

So, where to find a mentor?

Attend industry conferences, participate in networking events, and engage in online professional groups to meet potential mentors. Even better: ask your friends and colleagues who they mentor or are mentored by.

Make it a topic of regular conversation (normalize it!) and you’ll see a vast array of mentor candidates appear.

Remember, the right mentor can change the trajectory of your career and life, making the effort to find one well worth it. (Even if your lizard brain really just wants you to stay the you that you are today.)

SCROLL: This Week’s Quick Hits

• An RSA Animate video explores the power of network visualization to help navigate our complex modern world (YouTube).

• Awwww, the power of old connections: 88-year-old couple wed after reconnecting at their 50th high school reunion. (Today)

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That’s all for this week. See you next Thursday!

— Thomas

PS: Heads-up, May 30 is my next available date for coaching. We might be a good fit if you want to make 2024 the year you harness the power of your connections.

I work with clients to:

• overcome their lizard brain 🦎🧠

• audit their existing networks

• identify gaps and opportunities

• unleash the power of old and cold connections

Just reply to this email if you want to know more.

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