Friendship Is a Choice, So Choose It

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Hi there,

There’s one mindset I’ve noticed in every person who seems to be thriving, not just successful in work or health or finances, but fulfilled in their relationships, too.

It’s called an internal locus of control.

First introduced by psychologist Julian Rotter in 1954, locus of control describes how people explain the outcomes in their lives:

Those with an external locus believe life happens to them. They attribute success (and failure) to luck, fate, or the actions of others.

Those with an internal locus believe that, while they may not control everything, they control how they show up. Their effort, mindset, and decisions shape their outcomes.

Research backs this up: people with an internal locus tend to report better mental health, lower stress, greater resilience, and stronger relationships. They’re more likely to take initiative, solve problems, and, crucially, invest in their social ties.

The Social Side of Control

But here’s the twist: we don’t often apply this mindset to our friendships.

We blame life’s busyness for why we’ve drifted from old friends. We assume if someone hasn’t reached out, they’re probably not interested. We tell ourselves that good friendships just “happen.”

But connection is not fate. It’s a choice. And like anything worthwhile — our health, our finances, our personal growth — our friendships require attention and agency.

If you believe you’re in charge of your life, that includes your social life, too.

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The Science of Support

Friendships don’t just make us feel good, they keep us well.

Social connection has been shown to improve everything from immune function to longevity (Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton, 2010). As we age, diverse social networks, those beyond just family or close-knit circles, have an outsized impact on our health, especially in staving off loneliness and cognitive decline (Cornwell & Waite, 2009).

But these relationships don’t maintain themselves. They require effort. And the first step is mindset.

In one study out of Duke University, adults with a stronger internal locus of control were not only more likely to reach out to old friends, but they were also more likely to bounce back after social rejection and initiate new connections (Findley & Cooper, 1983).

The key was believing their actions made a difference.

Ask Yourself

Next time you’re tempted to wait for someone to check in, pause and ask:

• What part of this situation is within my control?

• What’s one small thing I can do to connect right now?

• If my best friend were in my shoes, what would I advise them to do?

• What story am I telling myself, and is it helping or hurting?

Friendship doesn’t just happen. But it’s always available to those who decide to make the first move.

This Week’s Challenge: Shift the Locus

Before next week’s newsletter arrives, take one small action toward someone you care about, even if they haven’t done the same for you.

• Send a voice memo instead of a text.

• Write a card, even if you don’t have stamps yet.

• Share a memory that made you smile.

• Invite someone to something that’s already on your calendar.

• Ask a deeper question than “how are you?”

You are not powerless in your relationships. You are the architect.

And friendship? It’s a structure worth building on purpose.

What’s been your experience with locus of control? Was there a point in your life when you flipped from external to internal? Do you have an insight you think could help others? Let me know so I can share with others!

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