Good Friends Remind You Who You Are

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Hi there,

The other week, I was catching up with a friend I hadn’t seen in three years. We met for coffee and ended up sitting for two hours talking about everything and nothing. And when I left that coffee shop, I didn’t just feel better—I felt more me.

That’s the magic of good friends: they reflect you back to yourself in a way that’s hard to do on your own.

In their presence, you remember who you were before the deadlines and responsibilities stacked up. You remember the quirks and passions that once defined you, not just the titles that now fill your LinkedIn profile or the tasks on your calendar.

Good friends see the best in us, not because they’re ignoring our flaws, but because they remember the full picture, the broader context.

Think about the friend who laughs at your same dumb joke every time. The one who sends you the perfect song when you’re feeling off. The friend who reminds you that you once dreamed of writing a novel, starting a business, hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, and who still believes you can.

When we’re around people who know us, we act a little more like our best selves. We’re more generous, more grounded, more spontaneous.

We’re not performing.

We’re just being.

That’s not an accident. It’s co-regulation, a term psychologists use to describe how our nervous systems sync with those around us. And it’s why time spent with the right people doesn’t just feel good, it is good for us.

Spending time with people who know and love you has been linked to reduced anxiety, better memory, longer life expectancy, and, perhaps most importantly, a greater sense of identity.

It’s like charging your internal battery, but instead of plugging into a wall, you plug into your people.

And hanging out together doesn’t need to be a big deal. A 20-minute walk. A phone call on your commute. A simple potluck dinner that doesn’t require cleaning the whole house.

It’s not about the logistics. It’s about the reminder: the echo of someone else’s voice that says, “You’re doing okay. You’re still you.”

So here’s your invitation: this coming week, spend some time with a friend who brings you back to yourself.

Not for a networking opportunity.

Not because you “should.”

But because being around them makes you feel a little more human, a little more whole.

Let yourself be reminded of who you are by the people who never forgot.

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Let Go of What You Cannot Change

On the flip side, don’t rent out space in your head to those who don’t deserve it.

When you dwell on something that happened in your past, you’re spending today’s precious time, energy, and attention on something (or somebody) you cannot change.

We have so much in our lives that needs our attention today: our family, our friends, our kids, our parents, our job, our church. Why are we wasting any of ourselves on ruminating about things that have happened in the past?

As my mentor used to tell me, “you can’t unring that bell, so either get used to the sound or, better yet, just move on completely.”

It took me a while (and practice with a therapist) to be able to fully let go of the things in my life that sucked and to let go of any ill-will I held against the perpetrators of those things.

I feel so much lighter and freer and able to focus on who and what needs me today because I learned to let go.

This came into stark relief for me a couple of years back when I ran into someone that I’d had a rather nasty falling out with almost twenty years prior. I’d long since let go of the emotions that consumed me in the months (and years) after the split. I was able to look upon the person with a feeling of indifference.

But it didn’t seem to be a shared indifference. She announced (loud enough that I think she wanted others to hear her words) “it’s time we bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones, don’t you think?”

It was such an easy “yes” for me. My bygones were truly gone by, and had been for over a decade. It seems the same wasn’t true for her, however.

I can’t imagine what it was like to carry a resentment against someone for decades at such a level that it felt necessary to call it out upon seeing them again. How much of her emotional capacity was robbed of the opportunity to focus on the good things all around her by tracking old grievances?

I hope my quick agreement to let it go helped her to begin to relieve herself of the emotional burden she’d been carrying since our falling out.

My Mom likes to remind me that “people are doing the best they can with what they have.” And through this generous lens, so much can be forgiven in the moment.

There’s enough heavy stuff happening all around us right now that we don’t need to be additionally burdened by things that should be left in our past.

What grievances are you holding onto that you need to let go of?

Who do you see acting in ways that deserve your empathy instead of your scorn?

Take a few moments this weekend to inventory what has your time and attention, and whether it deserves the spotlight or its time has expired.

And then find that friend for coffee to remind you who you truly are.

What’s been your experience connecting with friends? Is there something you think could help others? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox, and I can include your magic in a future issue. 🙏