Hi {{first_name|there}}, it’s Thomas.

Fat Tuesday was earlier this week, which means Lent just started, and each year I pick an area of my life to focus on for 40 days of improvement. In years past, I’ve given up sugar (success!), donuts (success!), staying up late (fail!), and cycling daily (fail!).

This year, my focus for the these 40 days is to disrupt my habit of nightly bedtime procrastination, which means I need to beat the algorithm that distracts me from going to bed at a decent hour. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought to check my insta feed as I climbed into bed and then looked to see 90 minutes disappeared since I meant to end my day.

According to recent studies, I’m not alone in losing track of time to the infinite scroll guided by an algorithm. My sleep is just collateral damage in the quiet neurological arms race we are all living through.

On one side: our brains, exquisitely tuned over thousands of years to seek belonging, safety, and connection.

On the other: trillion-dollar technology companies that understand exactly how that wiring works, and how to monetize it at all costs.

If midlife loneliness is rising, if depression and isolation are increasing, we have to examine not just policy or culture, but chemistry.

Two neurotransmitters tell much of the story: dopamine and oxytocin.

And Big Tech is designing directly for both.

More on how they’re doing it after a word from this week’s sponsor…

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Dopamine is not the “pleasure chemical,” as it’s often described. It’s the anticipation chemical. It drives craving. It fuels the search for the next reward. It lights up when there might be something interesting just one swipe away.

Social media platforms are engineered around intermittent rewards, the same psychological mechanism used in slot machines. You don’t know which scroll will bring validation, outrage, novelty, or affirmation. That unpredictability is what keeps you hooked.

Every like. Every notification. Every new post.

It all leads to a small dopamine spike.

When you’re bored, anxious, or lonely, your brain reaches for relief. And your phone delivers a fast, frictionless hit.

But dopamine soothes discomfort without solving it. It distracts from loneliness without repairing it. It gives stimulation without substance.

And the more you rely on it, the less tolerant you become of the slower, more demanding work of real-world connection.

If social media hijacks attention through dopamine, AI is positioned to hijack attachment through oxytocin.

Oxytocin is the bonding neurotransmitter. It floods your system when you hug someone you love for twenty seconds, when you lock eyes in understanding, when you share vulnerability with a trusted friend. It builds trust. It deepens attachment. It strengthens social bonds.

Human beings are wired to seek it.

And so we enter the next frontier: AI chatbots.

In response to the isolation and loneliness that Big Tech has exacerbated through their dopamine-highjacking infinite scrolls, they’re now touting AI chatbots as designed to simulate the new levels of empathy, responsiveness, and validation we’re craving. They’ll remember your preferences. They’ll affirm your feelings. They’ll be endlessly available. They’ll never reject you. They never get tired.

That consistency can feel comforting.

But comfort is not connection.

A chatbot can mirror you. It cannot witness you.
A chatbot can respond to you. It cannot be changed by you.
A chatbot can simulate attachment. It cannot reciprocate it.

The danger is not that AI will replace human relationships entirely. The danger is that it will become easier than human relationships. And when something easier competes with something meaningful, meaningful often loses.

Which means Big Tech wins.

We already know loneliness is rising. Trust is declining. Midlife depression and cognitive decline are increasing in the United States. At the same time, screen time continues to climb.

When we choose the fast dopamine hit over the slower reward of human presence, we weaken the very muscles that keep us resilient. When we outsource emotional validation to algorithms, we risk dulling our capacity for mutual attachment.

Real friendships require effort:

Screens remove that friction.

But friction is where growth happens.
Friction is where oxytocin becomes durable.
Friction is where trust is built.

The most radical act you can take right now is not downloading a new productivity app or curating your feed more carefully.

It’s stepping away from the screen and stepping toward a person.

The solution to dopamine distraction and oxytocin simulation is embodied connection. Eye contact. Shared laughter. Awkward pauses. Unscripted conversations.

Technology exploits our wiring. Friendship strengthens it.

If you want to protect your humanity, you must practice it.

The best defense against the technological “solutions” fighting to steal your attention and your attachment is to increase the number of humans you’re authentically connected to, without the technological intermediary.

It’s up to each of us to create a community of connection. It’s the only way we’ll begin to feel better, as a whole.

Before next week’s newsletter hits your inbox, do two deliberate things. One to deepen your existing connections, the other to increase the number of people you’re connected to:

Notice the difference between a digital exchange and a lived one.

You may not make a new best friend. That’s not the point.

The point is that both of you will experience a real micro-dose of oxytocin, the bonding rush that only comes from being seen by another human being in real time.

In a world engineered to fragment us, choose to connect.

In a world optimized for attention capture, choose presence.

In a world building artificial attachment, choose authentic friendship.

Your brain, and our community, will thank you.

How are you working against your attention and your attachments being hijacked? Do you have something you think could help others? Let me know! Your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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