Hi {{first_name|there}}, it’s Thomas.

When you think about your best friend, have you ever wondered why you’ve stayed so close for so long?

We assume our friendships last because of history, shared interests, personality fit, or the sheer amount of time spent together. Those things certainly help, but new research suggests that one trait matters more than the others when people describe what they most want from a friend: honesty.

That finding matters because social wealth is not just about expanding your network. It is also about preserving the relationships that already sit at the core of it.

As we get older, that becomes increasingly important. Life naturally creates churn in our friendships. People move, careers change, priorities shift, and social circles reorganize. This is all part of what I call “Dunbar’s Churn,” the phenomenon that Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst found, showing that roughly half of our close relationships change over a period of about seven years, which means the friendships that survive multiple chapters of life deserve attention.

One reason some of them endure may be that they can absorb the truth.

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A 2022 series of studies published in Evolutionary Psychological Science asked people which traits they most wanted, and least wanted, in their friendships.

Honesty came out on top.

Participants rated honesty as the most desirable quality in a friend, ahead of traits such as being ethical, pleasant, or available. On the negative side, dishonesty ranked as the most undesirable trait.

That is striking because honesty is not always comfortable.

A pleasant friend can make you feel good. An available friend can show up when you need them. But an honest friend is willing to tell you something you may not want to hear, and is also willing to trust you with things that are harder for them to say.

That kind of mutual truth-telling creates something deeper than likability.

It creates trust.

The older a friendship becomes, the more versions of each other you have to accommodate.

The person you met at twenty-five may be very different at forty-five. Their beliefs may change, their relationships may change, their ambitions may change, and the way they see themselves may change.

That can strain friendships because every major transition introduces a question: can the relationship make room for the person I am becoming?

Honesty is what gives it a chance.

Without it, people begin performing old versions of themselves around each other. They avoid difficult topics, soften disagreements, and preserve harmony at the expense of authenticity. The relationship may continue, but it slowly becomes less intimate because the people inside it are no longer fully known.

By contrast, friendships that can handle honest conversations are better equipped to evolve. You can say, "I've changed my mind about this," or "That hurt me," or "I think you're making a mistake," and trust that the relationship is strong enough to survive the discomfort.

My closest friend and I have seen each other go through multiple life stages and evolutions of self. What I appreciate most about our friendship is that we accept each other for who we are today and not insist on staying stuck in former versions of ourselves.

Long-term friendship requires enough truth to keep two changing people connected.

There is an important distinction between honesty and bluntness.

The research does not suggest that the best friend is the person who says whatever comes to mind with no regard for how it lands. Honesty becomes valuable when it is delivered inside a relationship built on care.

Sometimes that means challenging a friend compassionately rather than criticizing them. Sometimes it means asking a difficult question instead of offering unsolicited advice. Sometimes it means creating enough safety that your friend can tell you their own truth without worrying that you will judge them.

It also does not mean every honest conversation has to involve a crisis.

Small disclosures matter too.

Tell your friend what you are excited about. Admit that you are worried about something. Share the project you have been quietly working on. Tell them when you miss them. Let them know when something they did mattered to you.

These smaller truths create the habit of openness that makes the larger truths easier to share when they eventually arrive. And this habit of openness helps you exercise vulnerability with people you don’t know as a way of converting them from strangers to acquaintances, or acquaintances to friends.

If honesty is one of the strongest foundations of lasting friendship, then maintaining close relationships requires more than simply being truthful yourself.

You also need to become someone others can safely be truthful with.

That means resisting the urge to become defensive when a friend offers difficult feedback. It means listening long enough to understand what they are trying to tell you before deciding whether you agree. It means avoiding punishment when someone expresses a need, boundary, or perspective you did not expect.

This may be one of the most important forms of friendship hygiene.

A relationship becomes more durable when both people know they can tell the truth without immediately threatening the connection. That confidence creates psychological safety, and psychological safety makes deeper friendship possible.

The paradox is that the more permission a relationship gives us to disagree, the less fragile it becomes.

The friendships that stay close over decades are rarely maintained by one person doing all the emotional work.

Honesty has to travel both ways.

Ask the friend who always listens how they are actually doing. Tell the friend who gives you good advice that you value their candor. If something has been bothering you, address it before resentment has time to harden. If the relationship feels more distant than it once did, say so instead of silently waiting for the other person to notice.

None of this requires turning every friendship into an endless series of deep conversations. Most of life is still made up of ordinary moments.

But underneath those ordinary moments should be a shared understanding that when something important needs to be said, it can be.

That is what helps friendship survive the inevitable churn of adult life.

Before next week's newsletter arrives, choose one close friendship you genuinely want to preserve for the long term and practice one act of constructive honesty.

Tell them something you appreciate but have never said directly. Share something real that has been on your mind. Ask for their honest opinion on something that matters to you. Or, if there is a small tension you have been avoiding, address it with kindness before it becomes larger.

Then do the other half of the work: make it clear that you want their honesty too.

Strong friendships do not last because two people never change, disagree, or disappoint each other.

They last because the relationship becomes a place where the truth is safe enough to live. And your social wealth portfolio depends on these anchor friendships to help you prosper socially as you age.

What is it that you think has kept your best friend with you all these years? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏