Is Your Network Helping or Holding You Back?

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Hi there,

I met Stacy this week at a coffee bar down the road in Palo Alto.

I had some free time between meetings, so I ordered a latte to pick me up. I was waiting for it to be prepared when the barista held up an iced drink and called out, “STACY!”

A bearded guy about my age stepped up beside me to claim it.

I must have had a puzzled look on my face because when he saw me, he proudly stated, “Yeah, and I’m from Georgia, too. Imagine what it was like growing up!”

Small talk ensued, and we agreed to share the only open table on the deck to finish our drinks.

Stacy is back in the Bay Area to launch his next startup. He’s exited one and bankrupted another, and he had to move away to Florida to lick his wounds and to recalibrate his business plans.

But he knows he’s got the right idea this time.

And more importantly, he says he’s surrounded himself with the right people after he “got rid of his boat anchors.”

I was curious to know what boat anchors had to do with his business idea (it’s in fintech, if you must know).

He explained that a boat anchor is a figurative term he uses to refer to those people in your life that aren’t helping you move forward toward where you want to go.

Boat anchors are the kind of folks who prefer the current version of you and will subtly (or not-so-subtly) impede your growth as you’re trying to change.

Not all boat anchors are acting out of malicious intent. But they are impeding progress, and taking up your time and energy just as you’re trying to load up your network with new and productive connections to help you along your path of change.

So, you have to make room for the new version of you by tossing the boat anchors overboard.

Not only did Stacy get rid of his anchors, but he literally surrounded himself with just the kind of people he needed to help him focus on his next thing.

“Where else but Silicon Valley,” he wondered, “can a 52-year-old guy live in a group home surrounded by hyper-intelligent Stanford PhDs and newly minted engineers?”

Turns out, his housemates are all nerdy, non-drinking, global citizens who’d prefer to cook group dinners at home, play trivia and logic games, and go to bed early. He quickly pointed out that they’re not a bunch of know-it-alls but a bunch of learn-it-alls.

They weren’t flexing how much they knew already. They flexed how quickly they could figure out the answer to something unknown. And this is precisely the kind of group setting Stacy needed to encourage him to focus on his next thing.

When the conversation finally turned to what I do, I remarked how awesome it was to see yet another serial entrepreneur using sociology and networks to bring his business idea to life.

Stacy couldn’t agree more, adding, “It’s all about the network, and more importantly, about making room in your network by saying goodbye to the folks who no longer deserve your time and attention.”

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So, Stacy, thank you for the coffee conversation (and for subscribing to my newsletter) and for reminding us to shed our boat anchors to make room for the new.

Instead of releasing anchors, I prefer to think of this activity as pruning our networks for new growth. This is especially relevant, given the season we’re in.

This is the practice of creating space in our networks for new connections to form and help us grow into the versions of ourselves we’re trying to become. We prune back our plants to encourage them to grow into healthy and productive shapes.

You wouldn’t prune a plant without an outcome in mind (healthier trunk? more abundant crop of fruit? more aesthetic shape?), so you shouldn’t think of pruning your network without a goal in mind for how you want to grow and evolve as a person.

Got your goal in mind? Here are the four considerations to think about for someone to stay in your network:

On Target: Is this person someone you aspire to be like or to be connected with when you become the new you? Keep those people that make you want to be a better person (leader, spouse, parent, etc). Your Mentors are the best examples of those on target.

Along Trajectory: If they’re not already on target for you, are they at least headed in the same direction as where you want to be? Will they be cheering you for your progress toward your goal? Your Motivators are the best examples of those along the trajectory.

In Reciprocity: How much value are they providing you compared to the value you’re giving them? The lower the ratio (inbound to outbound), the better candidates they are for pruning.

Here’s where you need to practice diligence. Conserve your time and attention for connections who bring value to you in at least the same way you give value to them. If someone is taking more of your time and attention than they are contributing back to you, they are the prime candidates for pruning. (I lovingly refer to these people as “time vampires.”)

Tied to Past: How much are they invested in the current/old you and therefore (thanks to their lizard brain) not supportive of you changing? You know who these people are. And if you find they are still in your casual connections, it’s time to push them out.

How will you audit your network this weekend to decide who it’s time to prune away?

I’ll be doing my own work as I finally tackle my rose bushes, which are overdue for their winter pruning.

Sure, they’ll do okay this year without my interference, but I know how beautiful and healthy they can become if I only do a little preventative maintenance today.

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