What to Do with All Those Old Connections?

Hi there, happy Thursday!

Welcome to issue #15 of the Network Wrangler. Here’s what we’re covering today:

• Your list of old and cold connections keeps getting bigger: what to do?

• A quick peek at the science of connection

• The health benefits of a strong social network

What To Do with Our Growing List of Old Connections (part 1)

We all have people we used to be close to but are no longer in touch with. I call these our “old and cold connections.” What’s surprising, even to me, is to learn just how many people fit that old and cold category and how fast the list grows.

Dutch sociologist Geral Mollenhorst has shown we replace half of our social network every seven years or so, which means that making connections and deepening social ties is a lifelong endeavor.

We’ve discussed Dunbar’s number here in the newsletter before: it’s the cognitive limit to the number of people we can maintain a stable social relationship with. This means we know who they are and how they relate to us and the other people in our network. The range in size of Dunbar’s number is between 100 and 250 (depending upon the person studied), but we commonly peg it at about 150 people.

So, building off Mollenhorst’s work, this means that every seven years, at least 75 additional people are added to the list of replaced connections.

Put another way: by the time you’re in your 40s, you’ve got at least 225 people you were once close with but are now in the “old and cold” category of connections. And that’s just counting the close connections you’ve made since you became an adult.

Every single one of these people has gone on to live a rich life full of love and sorrow and successes and losses and new connections since you last spoke to them. Aren’t you just a little curious to know what’s happened with them?

How would you feel if they reached out to you today to say they’d been thinking of you.

Studies consistently show the positive uplift that comes from reconnecting with old friends.

What’s to stop you from reaching out to them right now to say you were thinking of them?

Don’t know what you’d say to them? I’ll make it easy for you: forward this email to them and tell them you were inspired to reach out just to say hello after all this time.

The downside is the might not reply to your email, which means you’re back at the same level of communication you were before.

But the upside is exponential. Send the email!

(Next week, in part 2, I’ll cover how we unlock the value of our old and cold connections.)

The Science of Connection: What Makes Your Inner Circle Effective

In an age where our quantified network connections are larger than ever (thanks to LinkedIn, Instagram, et al), the importance of an Inner Circle—comprised of close, meaningful connections—has become increasingly apparent. This select group of mentors, motivators, connectors, challengers, and supporters plays a crucial role in our personal and professional development.

But what underpins the effectiveness of such a group? The answer lies in the science of connection, which explores how and why these relationships profoundly influence our lives.

The Psychological Foundation

At its core, the effectiveness of an Inner Circle is rooted in basic psychological principles. Humans are inherently social creatures, and our brains are wired to thrive on connections. Studies in social psychology suggest that the quality of our relationships directly impacts our mental and emotional well-being. A well-curated Inner Circle provides not just social support but also a sense of belonging and identity, which are key components of psychological health. (dive deeper at National Library of Medicine)

The Role of Mirror Neurons

Mirror neurons and mimetic desire play a significant role in the dynamics of an Inner Circle. Mirror neurons fire both when an individual acts and when they observe the same action performed by another. This mirroring process is crucial for learning and empathy, allowing us to "simulate" the experiences of those around us. Thus, when we surround ourselves with individuals who embody the qualities we aspire to, these mirror neurons can help us internalize and replicate those behaviors and mindsets, accelerating our growth through what’s called mimetic desire: our motivation to behave like others. There’s a whole field of work on psychological mimesis constructed by René Girard that addresses this. (dive deeper at mimetictheory.com)

The Impact of Social Influence

Social influence theories, such as normative social influence and informational social influence, highlight how the beliefs and behaviors of those in our Inner Circle can shape our own. Normative influence is about conforming to group norms to fit in, to gain acceptance, and to feel good. Informational influence, on the other hand, is about conforming because we believe others are correct in their actions and thinking. Informational influence is more powerful in ambiguous situations. However, both forms of influence underscore the power of an Inner Circle to mold our perceptions, beliefs, and actions, pushing us toward personal and professional growth. (dive deeper at SimplyPsychology.com)

The Power of Diverse Perspectives

Diversity within an Inner Circle enriches the connection by introducing a range of perspectives, experiences, and ideas. Cognitive diversity can lead to more creative problem-solving and innovation. A diverse Inner Circle can make us more adaptable and resilient by challenging our assumptions and exposing us to new ways of thinking. (dive deeper at Psychology Today)

The science behind the effectiveness of an Inner Circle reveals the profound impact that deep, meaningful connections can have on our growth. By intentionally curating a group of mentors, motivators, connectors, challengers, and supporters, we harness the power of psychological well-being, mirror neurons, social influence, and diversity. Together, these elements create a symbiotic ecosystem that not only supports our individual ambitions but also cultivates a shared journey towards achieving them. In understanding the science of connection, we find the blueprint for building an Inner Circle that truly propels us forward.

The Long-Term Health Benefits of a Strong Social Network

Dr. Robert Waldinger runs the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running study on human happiness in the world. His TED talk on what makes a good life (lessons from said study) has been viewed more than 47 million times as of this writing.

The video is 12 minutes of time well spent, so go ahead and view it. I’ll wait.

Okay, now that you’re back, here’s the one thing of the study, that stood out above all others: good relationships keep us happier and healthier, especially as we get older.

Indeed, in Waldinger’s book he coauthored with Marc S Schulz, The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, they share that as participants in the study reach old age, “they would make a point to say that what they treasured most were their relationships.”

While the study showed that younger adults benefit from having a large number of less intimate friendships, it also showed that as we get older, it’s the quality, not the quantity, of our relationships that matters most.

Because this is a longitudinal study, they’re able to see what makes for happy healthy 80-year-olds. Looking back to midlife, it wasn’t how good physical shape they were in (measured by BMI or cholesterol levels), it was how satisfied they were in their relationships.

To draw a straight line for you: the people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.

Even though my (one and only) Ironman finish was a decade ago, I still love a good workout routine. I now know it’s time to add in a relationship-building component to my routine if I want to be among the healthiest in another 30 years.

How about you?

SCROLL: This Week’s Quick Hits

• Mastering the Art of Small Talk: A guide to having interesting conversations with strangers. (Vox)

• Strong social connections are about reciprocity. And reciprocity starts with generosity. And generosity is about others. “How can I help?” (Seth Godin)

Was this newsletter forwarded to you? Sign up here to get your very own copy direct to your mailbox starting next week!

That’s all for this week. See you next Thursday!

— Thomas

Here’s a link to my appearance on the Adam Experiment podcast where I discussed the concepts in my book and other things (yep, I’m rocking a beard these days)!

PS: Heads-up, April 24 is my next available date for coaching. We might be a good fit if you know you need to reconnect with your network and want to make 2024 the year you harness the power of your connections.

I work with clients to:

• audit their existing networks

• identify gaps and opportunities

• unleash the power of old and cold connections

Just reply to this email if you want to know more.

Got any feedback for me? Just hit reply. I read every email.