On Getting Cut Out of the Network

In partnership with

Hi there!

Welcome to issue #41 of the Network Wrangler.

I’m super happy to have 1440 back as a partner for this week’s issue. And welcome to all of my new subscribers from the workshop I led for Tech Nordic Advocates!

While my body is back in California, my soul is still in transit somewhere across the Pacific as I work to reset my body clock from Japan Standard Time to Pacific Standard Time.

This means I still lay awake at night, searching for sleep, while my mind processes all manner of memories from the trip: the vibrant fall foliage all over Daisetsuzan National Park, the sulfur smell of nearby fumaroles on the hike to the top of Mt. Asahidake, and the sweet taste of a freshly cut melon in the afternoon sun at Yoshida Farm.

And while I love having all these memories to sort through in the wee hours of the morning, what I’m finding even more valuable is all the deep thinking and reflection I was able to do hiking the trails, driving the roads, and exploring the forests of Hokkaido.

In his book The Power of We: Awakening in the Relational Field, Thomas Hübl speaks to the profound impacts of setting aside time for reflection. Through self-reflection we are better able to understand why we behave in the ways we do, and we are afforded the opportunity to see what we need to change about our behavior to become the person we want to be. Hübl reminds us that without time for reflection, we simply go on living and behaving the way that we are, doing the things we always do and getting the results we always have.

You don’t need to do something as drastic as taking a vacation in a foreign land to engage in self-reflection. You can take a few extra moments in the morning with your first cup of coffee or tea to focus your awareness on how you are feeling and what you might want to change about your day. You’re not always going to have some breakthrough realization about something that you can change, but simply incorporating moments of self-awareness into your daily routine will create a space for the seeds of transformation to take root.

After all, aren’t we all trying to become better versions of ourselves? Make the investment in yourself to increase your space for reflection, and you’ll have a much better shot at evolving into the person you want to become.

I’ll share a little more about one of my a-ha moments on the trail in Japan after this word from our sponsor…

The Daily Newsletter for Intellectually Curious Readers

• We scour 100+ sources daily

• Read by CEOs, scientists, business owners and more

• 3.5 million subscribers

Sign up today!

Accepting When the Connection is Broken

The final climb to the summit of Mt Asahidake, which at 7,516 feet is the highest point within the Hokkaido Prefecture of Japan, is not easy. It’s a two-hour trek, picking your way along a lightly marked trail that goes 2,300 feet straight up a mountainside covered with shifting and broken volcanic rocks. And when you make it to the top, you’re only halfway done, as you need to return to the bottom in one piece. But it’s the uphill leg that’s the most monotonous and challenging.

I’ve got a lifetime of hiking and mountaineering under my belt, so I’ve got many endurance-minded coping skills to draw upon when confronted with such an arduous climbing task. I’ve found the best way to keep making progress is to focus one half of your mind on the simple yet arduous act of putting one foot in front of the other while simultaneously using the other half of your mind to think of anything that will distract you from the physical effort managed by the first half.

Put another way: keep the lizard brain focused on making physical progress while the frontal lobe blocks out the discomfort through self-reflection (or fantasy).

So, to distract myself from the discomforts of this particular hike, I chose to reflect on my own networking habits and try to understand why, despite knowing everything I do about networking, I still struggle to maintain connections with some parts of my network.

Three connections, in particular, trouble me because they aren’t as strong and consistent as I want them to be, even though I’m doing all the right things to encourage us to be close.

I have known each of them for over a decade (I worked with each while at different companies). In years past, each time we have gotten together, I feel like we’ve both gotten value from our conversations and insights, with mutual exchanges of “looking forward to the next time” at the end.

But damn if it isn’t hard to get a time on their calendars this year to stick, even if it’s just to keep the connection from becoming old and cold. On my hike, I was able to realize that while the struggle with each was unique, they all followed a similar pattern of increasing challenge to connect.

As an example, I’ll share my experience with one of these crumbling connections over the last year.

The first time our coffee catch-up slipped was when I got a last-minute cancellation because “the CEO called an emergency staff meeting, sorry.” That’s completely understandable. So I scheduled another coffee with him a month later (his first available) only to see that disappear due to an urgent request for a report that needed his full attention. After several back-and-forths, the request to reschedule is still sitting in his box, unanswered, and I realize I’ve now given up on even wanting to make it happen.

How could this happen to me? I’d been following all the proper protocols to nurture our relationship and keep the connection strong. (scroll to the story below the photo for more on this)

Each time we met, he indicated that he’d benefited from our time together and generally enjoyed my company. I always thanked him for his insights and contributions, and I made sure to ask after his family when we got together. Between meetups, I’d send value-add emails about topics I knew he was interested in, and he responded thoughtfully to each.

Yet I couldn’t get a coffee near where he lives to stick on his calendar.

While my other two problem connections didn’t follow this timeline exactly, they fit a similar pattern of postponed meetings while maintaining solid communications.

At this point, a little over an hour into my distraction efforts on the hike, a smile spread across my face as I finally made sense of what was going on.

I was being kindly, some might say gently, relegated into their pile of old and cold connections.

While I was interested in maintaining a strong connection because of the value I was getting from it, the reciprocal feeling was not true.

And you know what? That’s okay with me.

I’ve done a lot of advising in this newsletter and in workshops about the power of focusing your attention on only those connections that are adding value to where you want to go and who you want to be. I’ve spoken countless times of the importance of doing an audit of your network and letting go of those who aren’t contributing to your goals. And I’ve talked about making these cuts gently and kindly so that the one leaving your network didn’t develop bad feelings from being removed.

I just didn’t expect to be on the receiving end of this kind of cut myself.

Nor did I think it would take climbing up an inactive volcano to realize this is what had happened.

The lesson here? We all have limited time and attention, and as our needs change, so does our network. Sometimes, you’re the one deciding to part ways, and sometimes, you’re the one finding the ways have been parted.

It’s all part of the process. After all, without this change, we wouldn’t be able to tap into the latent value of Dunbar’s churn and the joy of reconnecting with old and cold connections!

Not Just Counting Connections: Networking as a Practice

For the more competitive among us, networking is often mistakenly equated with the act of collecting as many LinkedIn connections as possible. However, the true power of networking doesn't come from the quantity of contacts you have, but from the quality of relationships you maintain within your network. Effective networking is a dynamic, ongoing practice that requires nurturing connections, not merely collecting them.

Here’s why and how you should focus on cultivating these relationships (even if you someday find out you’ve been cut!).

The Importance of Nurturing Connections

Nurturing your network means actively engaging with your contacts, offering value, and maintaining regular communication. This approach transforms superficial connections into meaningful, mutually beneficial relationships. When you invest time and effort into getting to know your contacts and understanding their needs and capabilities, you create a network that is both supportive and resilient. More importantly, this up-front investment in the reciprocity bank is more likely to yield opportunities and provide support when needed down the road, unlike a vast network of shallow contacts that might not even remember your name.

Contrasting Behaviors: Nurturing vs. Collecting

The difference between nurturing a network and merely collecting connections can be likened to the difference between having acquaintances and having true friends. Collecting connections without engaging further is akin to having numerous acquaintances (Facebook friends hoarding, anyone?). There might be some recognition, but there is no depth or trust in these relationships. On the other hand, nurturing connections involves regular interaction and engagement, much like nurturing a friendship. This leads to a deeper understanding and a stronger, more reliable network.

One of the things I like to do when I meet someone new at a conference or large meeting is to take a selfie with them. The day after the conference, I send the photo of us to them along with a few notes I recall from our conversation. This helps me stand out in their mind from all the countless other new connections they made, and it gives me a captured-in-time moment to help my own recall in nurturing our connection going forward.

Quality Over Quantity

We all have a limited amount of time and attention. While an abundance mindset is a great way to think of the world, we all suffer from the same scarcity of minutes in the day. Knowing this, a smaller network of well-maintained connections is often more effective than a larger network of weak ties. Quality connections are those where both parties understand and are invested in each other’s success. These are the contacts who are more likely to provide meaningful support, relevant introductions, and insightful recommendations. And because we are always meeting new interesting people, and naturally shedding old connections who were once close, our large network of weak ties will naturally grow through attrition. There’s no need to collect weak ties just for the sake of having their contact info. Leverage your strong ties to connect you to the power of weak ties (those connections that are one hop removed from you).

Quick-Tips: How to Nurture Your Network

1. Regular Check-ins: Schedule regular times to catch up with your network contacts, whether through coffee meetings, emails, or quick calls.
   

2. Add Value: Always look for ways to add value to your contacts, be it through sharing relevant articles, providing expertise, supporting their events, or making new connections for them.
   

3. Celebrate Achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate the successes of your network contacts. Congratulating them on promotions or new jobs helps strengthen your relationship. LinkedIn makes it dead-simple to know who’s achieved something worthy of attention. Don’t hesitate to click the “celebrate" icon liberally in your feed.
   

4. Seek Feedback: Occasionally ask for feedback on how you can improve or assist your contacts better. This shows that you value the relationship and it also helps you serve them better.

Managing a robust network requires more than just an initial introduction; it requires consistent effort and genuine interest in the well-being and success of those within your circle. By focusing on nurturing rather than expanding your network, you ensure that your connections are both meaningful and lasting.

If you’re the kind of person who naturally nurtures your close connections, the word will spread, and even more people will want to connect with you. Let the expansion be a byproduct of your well-nurtured network.

Thanks for reading the Network Wrangler! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

P.S. Want to comment/reply/say hello? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🤗