The Reasons We Hesitate to Reach Out (how to overcome them)

Hi there, happy Thursday!

Welcome to issue #27 of the Network Wrangler. It’s Independence Day here in the USA. Here’s what we’re covering in today’s newsletter:

• The Reasons You Hate to Reach Out

• Everyday Ways You Flex Your Sales and Networking Skills

The Reason You Hesitate to Reach Out (and How to Overcome It)

We humans are inherently social beings, yet the prospect of reaching out to old and cold connections can often be daunting. Hell, I write about this stuff on a weekly basis, yet I still find myself hesitating to reach out to old connections at times. This hesitation stems from a combination of psychological factors and evolutionary mechanisms designed to protect us from perceived social risks (yay, Lizard Brain!).

Understanding the Hesitation

The root of this hesitation lies in our fear of rejection. Really. We can try to dress up our foot-dragging as any number of reasons (want to get the message just right, need to justify why it’s been so long since we spoke, need to come up with a “good” reason for the outreach)

From an evolutionary standpoint, being accepted by our peers was crucial for our very survival, and this influenced our natural inclination to avoid any potential social rebuffs.

Furthermore, the uncertainty of the response when reinitiating contact after a long period adds to the anxiety. This fear is compounded by the "endowment effect," where individuals overvalue what they currently have (their comfort zone) over potential gains (new opportunities or rekindled relationships).

The Role of Negative Bias

We humans also have a negativity bias, where negative experiences have a more significant impact on our psychological state than positive or neutral ones. This bias can lead to overestimating the potential downsides of reaching out, such as awkwardness or a negative response, while underestimating the positive outcomes, like reigniting a valuable connection or gaining useful insights. And this doesn’t even factor in the positive uplift our reaching out brings to our intended connection when they see our name flash up on their screen.

Overcoming the Hesitation

Here are three ways to push through the foot-dragging to send out the message and make the connection:

1. Reframe the Narrative: Change your mental framing of the situation by focusing on positive outcomes, such as the opportunity to reconnect with an old friend or to expand your professional network. When you envision a successful interaction, you reduce the mental barrier built by fear of rejection.

2. Prepare and Personalize: Before reaching out, prepare what you want to say. Tailor your message to reflect shared experiences or mutual interests. This personal touch makes the interaction more meaningful and increases the likelihood of a positive response.

3. Adopt a Growth Mindset: Embrace the perspective that every interaction, regardless of outcome, contributes to your personal and professional growth. This mindset helps diminish the fear of rejection by valuing learning and development over immediate results.

The path to overcoming the fear of reconnecting is by exposing our subconscious to small doses of discomfort in order to demonstrate the fear is unfounded. Here’s an easy way to push through this discomfort: send an “I’m thinking of you” message today. I mean, right now.

Pick someone from your old and cold connections that you haven’t spoken to since pre-COVID. Send them the following message right now (it’s okay, I’ll wait for you to return):

“Hey, [NAME], It’s been a while! I was just catching up on emails and found myself thinking about you. I hope you’re well.”

Don’t be surprised if you hear back from them before your next meal. And if you don’t? You’re no worse off than you were before sending the note.

Want more ideas of messages you can send your old and cold connections? Here’s a link to a Google document with even more.

We Are Always Exercising Our Sales and Networking Skills

This past Friday, I had so much fun delivering another one of my “Reignite Your Network” workshops to a group of twelve people from the same small company.

I’d been hired specifically to help the sales team leverage their existing relationships as an alternative to pursuing a cold-calling strategy. A few others at the company were also invited to the workshop because the CEO recognized that everyone can use help polishing their networking skills, not just those in sales.

The workshop was another success in teaching people the value that’s available in their old and cold connections, and before it was over, three of the participants had heard back from an old/cold connection they’d reached out to as part of the process.

The workshop setting was a good reminder that outside the work context, we are always using our networking skills, just as we are always selling (whether we call it that or not).

Parenting Life: As a parent, we’re always selling and using our sales skills. Indeed, parenting a child is a constant lesson in persuasion and negotiation.

• Persuading a toddler to take a bath and go to bed? Sales.

• Getting to know the other parents of the softball team? Networking.

• Negotiating with a teenager to take on more responsibility in exchange for more freedom? Sales.

• Finding the best specialist to treat your kid’s terrible allergies? Networking.

Personal Life: If you’re participating in the world of online dating, you’re selling yourself as someone worth the time and attention of the other person. Even if you’re not single, you’re still selling yourself as a long-term partner and creating a community for you as a couple.

• Finding a potential mate with the help of your friends? Networking.

• Persuading a stranger you’re trustworthy and worth the effort to meet? Sales.

• Negotiating who cooks, what to have for dinner, what to watch on Netflix? Sales.

• Engaging the neighbor to watch your pets while you’re away? Networking.

You’re already here increasing your networking skills on a weekly basis by reading this newsletter. I highly recommend Kevin Casey’s excellent book, (un)selling: 14 (un)conventional principles to reduce sales anxiety and increase sales as the perfect resource to help you sharpen your sales skills.

SCROLL: This Week’s Quick Hits

• Five applied psychology books for everyday life (Big Think)

• People who prefer solitude as they get older usually display these 8 behaviors (HackSpirit)

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