Small Talk, Big Gains

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Hey there,

Have you ever heard someone rave about small talk?

Yeah, me neither.

It’s easy to underestimate small talk. It’s brushed off as shallow or pointless, as just filler before the real conversation begins.

In the workshops I teach in Europe about building networks in the USA, I actively discourage entrepreneurs from spending too long in the shallows of small talk.

But science now tells us something different: small talk isn’t small at all.

It’s the key that opens the door to deeper connection and, ultimately, a longer, healthier life.

Studies have shown that diverse social ties (not just deep friendships, but frequent, light connections with a variety of people) are strongly linked to better health outcomes as we age. These ties reduce loneliness, strengthen mental resilience, and even lower the risk of chronic illness.

In fact, this phenomenon is called the strength of weak ties: those baristas, neighbors, walking buddies, and acquaintances who round out our social world and give it texture.

And you know what? Those same weak ties are disproportionately responsible for connecting us to new opportunities and ideas and people.

But how do we build these ties?

We start with small talk.

And the best small talkers have one trait in common: they ask great questions.

Curiosity and Likability

A 2017 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found a consistent and robust relationship between question-asking and liking. In speed dating scenarios and casual conversations alike, people who asked more follow-up questions were consistently rated as more likable and engaging.

It turns out, the fastest way to make someone like you… is to be curious about them.

But here’s the catch: the biggest mistake we make in small talk is turning the conversation back to ourselves too soon.

It’s not ill-intentioned: we’re just trying to relate!

This inclination to demonstrate shared affinity to build trust is evolutionary, so that’s why the urge to “me too!” is so strong.

But doing it too early can make the other person feel like the spotlight’s been swiped away, and the potential connection just fizzles when it could have zinged.

Let’s say you’ve just met someone, and they share that they just returned from a trip to France, a place you’ve also been.

Them (glowing): “We just got back from a week in France!”

You: “No way! I went to France too!”

And before you know it, you’re sharing how wonderful your own trip was, and talking about that funny thing that happened in Montmartre, and… you’ve just made it all about you.

Oops.

Instead, when you hear someone share they’ve just visited a place you’ve been, ask them at least two questions about their trip before revealing you’ve also been there.

Something like:
“Amazing! What was your favorite city?”
“Is there a meal you had that you still think about?”
“What’s the one French habit you wish you could put in practice here at home?”

Only after they’ve answered those questions do you share, “I love that! You’re making me nostalgic for my time in France!”

It’s a small shift, but it makes a massive difference. You’ve made space for their story, and then earned the invitation to share your own.

Higher likability level unlocked!

True confession: I know this “ask more questions” stuff, and yet I still sometimes slip into “me too!” mode too quickly when I find someone’s done something I’ve also done.

It’s a constant battle.

But the path to change starts with self-awareness, and I have endless opportunities to practice.

Thinking back, what times might you have unintentionally stolen the spotlight too early in small talk?

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Take the Pressure Off the Need to Be Interesting

Many of us have been taught that being likable means dominating the conversation and telling interesting stories to entertain others.

But that’s not the case. It’s the generous listeners who make the best first impressions.

The 2017 study found that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions.

So, here are two more quick small talk examples:

Them: “I just started taking pottery classes.”
You: “That’s awesome—what made you want to try pottery?”
“Do you find it relaxing or totally frustrating?”
(Then, and only then, mention the clay night you once did with friends.)

Them: “I’ve been watching a lot of classic movies lately.”
You: “What’s a movie you wish more people would watch?”
“Have you found any hidden gems?”
(Only after that, share your Criterion Channel obsession or that Kubrick kick you went on during lockdown.)

It may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your own experiences and opinions. But doing so will take the pressure off the need to be interesting.

Instead of trying to impress people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.

So, it’s time to put this to practice: This week, start three new conversations.

That’s it. Three. With a coworker, a neighbor, someone at the gym, or your kid’s baseball practice.

Ask one more question than you usually would.

Let them finish their story before you offer your own.

And notice how people lean in when they feel truly seen.

Your social ties aren’t built by grand gestures but one thoughtful question at a time.

So go flex your small talk muscles this week. You’ll be healthier for it. And maybe even a little happier, too.

What’s your experience with small talk? Do you have another trick you think could help others? Just hit reply to let me know: your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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