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Stop Chasing Your Friends

Stop Chasing Your Friends

The New Year’s Guide to Friendship, Reciprocity, and Letting Go

Thomas Kriese
January 09, 2026

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Photo by Ekam Juneja

Hi there, it’s Thomas. Happy New Year!

As we make our first marks on the blank canvas that is 2026, many of us will resolve to get in better shape, be more focused at work, or commit to more sustainable eating habits. (I’ve got resolutions for all three) But here’s a resolution that may matter even more: get honest about how your friendships actually function, and how they make you feel.

Every relationship has an invisible ledger: not of debts, but of energy. Of who initiates, and of who follows through. Of how much each person wants the relationship to exist. And too often, we don’t stop to ask: Where is my energy going, and is it coming back to me?

The Cost of Always Reaching Out

Let me be blunt. In every friend group, there’s someone who keeps the wheels turning: initiates plans, sends the birthday texts, remembers the anniversaries, books the dinners.

For many of us, that someone is… us.

There’s power in that. You feel in control of the thing, reaching out how and when it best works for you. But over time, it can start to feel imbalanced, like you’re maintaining friendships that wouldn’t survive without your effort.

So here’s a challenge: what happens when you stop?

A quick survey of people who’ve tried this experiment proves a mixed bag. Some friends step up: texts arrive unprompted, invites are extended, appreciation flows back. But others? Silence. The relationship evaporates without your fuel.

It can be painful. Even triggering. All those old childhood fears about being excluded, overlooked, or not good enough come roaring back. That’s fodder for you to work on with your therapist.

But here’s what also emerges: clarity.

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Friendship Requires Reciprocity

Sociologist Rebecca G. Adams reminds us that “friendship is a voluntary relationship,” and its strength depends not just on shared history or proximity, but mutual investment. (Fun fact: Adams is a scholarly Deadhead, and you can read her essay on teaching with the Grateful Dead.)

We know that adult friendships that last are built on three things:

Reciprocity: both people initiate and respond
Emotional availability: both people share and support
Shared values or rhythms: even if styles differ, the intent to connect is mutual

Psychologist William Rawlins, who has studied friendship for decades, notes that one of the most difficult tensions in adult friendships is balancing freedom with obligation. When you’re always initiating, the freedom feels one-sided, and resentment builds.

Recognizing when that balance has tipped is essential. And sometimes, the most powerful move you can make isn’t sending one more text; it’s choosing to pause and observe what happens next.

Loyalty, Intensity, and Letting Go

Over the past year, I ran an experiment myself: I stopped reaching out first.

The results were humbling, affirming, and illuminating all at once. A few friends vanished from my life entirely. Relationships I had long assumed were mutual turned out to be propped up by me. But others surprised me. They noticed my absence and filled the gap. They called, they texted, they invited.

Here’s what I learned: I’m a loyal friend. I value depth. I prioritize people even when life is full. But not everyone is wired that way. And that's okay.

Now, I make mental notes. I know which friendships run deep and mutual, which are casual but pleasant, and which were never meant to be long-haul. I stopped chasing friendships that didn’t match the energy or intensity I bring. That doesn’t mean I cut anyone out, but I no longer assign weight to connections that aren’t held by both parties.

The result? I feel more grounded, less rejected, more appreciated, less in the dark. And, perhaps most importantly, more aware of what I seek in a friend, and what I’m prepared to offer in return.

A Network Audit Worth Doing

The start of the year is a natural moment to examine every part of your life. Why not apply that same lens to your network of friends?

Over a nice hot cup of coffee or tea, ask yourself:

Who in your life initiates contact with you?
Who responds when you reach out?
Who disappears when you go quiet?
How do you feel after spending time with each friend?

This isn’t about tallying wins and losses. It’s about aligning your time and energy with the people who genuinely want to walk beside you in life.

Some friendships are seasonal. Others are situational. But the ones that matter in the long term are sustained by shared effort. By mutual curiosity. By showing up.

And you deserve that. We all deserve that.

This Week’s Challenge: Audit the Reciprocity

Before next week’s newsletter lands in your box, conduct your own “Friendship Reciprocity Audit.”

List 10 friends or acquaintances you’ve been in contact with in the last 6 months.
For each, mark who initiated contact last.
Pause to note how you felt after your last interaction: energized, indifferent, drained?
Choose one person to stop initiating contact with for the next two weeks. See what happens.
Choose one person to deepen your connection with: send a meaningful check-in or plan time together.

Let this be the year you put your social energy where it will be met, respected, and returned.

Because connection isn’t just about proximity. It’s about reciprocity.

And in 2026, that’s the friendship resolution that will matter most.

What’s been your experience with carrying all the water in a friendship? How did you find balance? Have something you think could help others? Let me know! Just hit reply, your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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