Stop Paying Interest on Avoidance

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Hi there,

The other day I was pulling weeds that had sprouted among the potted rose bushes on my deck, when I realized something:

If you don’t remove weeds completely, by the roots, they’ll just grow back. Not only that, they’ll spread. And when you water and fertilize your plants, the weeds will steal the water away from what you’re actually trying to nourish.

Weeds represent a hidden debt we pay for not addressing a nagging issue thoroughly.

Then I realized how weeds can impact our relationships, too:

• That friend you keep inviting to gatherings even though they make a scene every time.

• The colleague who doesn’t seem to understand you don’t have nearly as much free time as they do for chit chat.

• The customer who is quick to demand special accommodations but slow to pay their bills.

What is one weed among your relationships that you can remove this week?

Now, a quick word from our sponsor before we dive into uncovering other hidden debts in our lives.

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It made me so happy to hear that last week’s newsletter about social wealth resonated with many of you.

I think we like the concept of “social wealth” because it’s a simple mental model, a way to think about the world.

I’ve noticed the most useful mental models are broadly applicable. They help identify patterns across different areas of life, providing clarity and inspiring action.

The hidden debts of life

This is one mental model I can't stop thinking about, because it helps explain why things can seem so heavy these days: the hidden debts of life.

What does this mean? An example of a hidden debt is when you take on a financial debt. You get:

• Short-term benefit (the cash), but

• Long-term burden (the repayment with interest)

What’s not hidden is the benefit of here-and-now: the house, the car, the trip, the new laptop. What’s hidden about it is the emotional overhang of owing something to someone and the interest we’re paying.

There is a trillion-dollar industry that has been built on enabling this kind of behavior, so we know this is a model that can be and has been exploited.

If we broaden our lens, we see this general tradeoff of taking a short-term benefit but incurring a long-term burden can be found in a variety of contexts beyond just the financial.

I think about how this tradeoff has infected some of my close friendships, and, being honest, many of my failed romantic relationships.

The tradeoff started every time I avoided having hard conversations for all the reasons we do. Sometimes I didn’t want to rock the boat. Other times, I didn’t know why I was feeling bad and couldn’t put it to words. Still other times I was simply emotionally exhausted and couldn’t even.

But every time I avoided having a hard conversation, I took on a relationship debt: I got the short-term benefit of avoiding the pain and discomfort of the hard conversation, but I incurred the long-term burden of the problem that got brushed under the rug.

We all know time doesn't heal anything when it comes to relationships. And so these minor issues become major issues because of the trade-off.

And you’ve probably been in a relationship with someone who doesn’t address minor issues: it’s a countdown until something small sets them off, and the burden is unleashed.

But here’s the thing: hard conversations make good relationships closer.

It took me over fifty years to meet someone who loved me enough to show me this is true. And even then, it took her a couple of years being in a relationship with me before I learned to change my ways and embrace having those hard conversations.

And it’s made all the difference in all my relationships.

See, if you can’t have a hard conversation, or you have it, but the relationship suffers, well, that relationship wasn’t as good as you thought it was.

So, don’t avoid the hard conversations.

Have them.

What would your social wealth look like once you do?

This hidden debt model isn’t just about relationships, either.

When I skip my workouts or eat processed junk food, I’m taking on physical debt.

Sure, I get the short-term benefit of the pleasure of sloth and yummy sugar (why do I so love donuts!?), but I incur the long-term burden of the compounded health impact of these decisions: weight gain, low muscle mass, etc.

Yes, I could be less strict in my 20s and 30s because the consequences of not working out or eating right was negligible. Oh, to be young again!

Being in my 50s now, the impact of not being in shape is an ever-present reminder to do the right thing.

So, when I was young, the “interest” I paid on skipping workouts and eating junk was lower than it is now. And this interest rate will continue to climb as I live the second half of my life, so I’ve got the motivation to stay on a good path.

Another area where I discover the hidden debts pile up is when I procrastinate.

I like to think of myself as a reformed procrastinator, but I’m being quite generous when I do so. I’ve still got work to do.

When I put off my important work, I’m taking on a professional debt.

I get the short-term benefit of the focus avoidance (and the dopamine hit from scrolling my feeds or playing a game of poker), but I incur the long-term burdens of the last-minute anxiety, regret, and missed opportunities.

When I was younger, I used to be able to sacrifice sleep to pay off my procrastination debts, but I can’t burn the candle at that end anymore.

And so I’ve become a huge fan of Nir Eyal and the teachings of his book Indistractable as an ally in my fight to avoid procrastinating.

There’s something weedy about this, too, I’m sure. I just need to figure out how deep the roots go.

Debts always come due

So these are areas where I’ve accumulated hidden debts in my life. Sure, I may feel some short-term benefit taking them on, but I will still have to repay them, with interest, at some point in the not-too-distant future.

Now, I’m smart enough to know there's no such thing as a free lunch: the bill eventually comes due in my finances and in my life.

Yet, with this mental model, I’m at least now conscious of my debt load, and it’s helping me change my ways so I’m having the hard conversations and I’m doing the workouts and eating healthy, and I’m stopping my procrastinating (tbh, I’ll work on this last one later). 🙃 

So, I invite you to do some weeding in your own life this weekend, especially as it comes to your relationships.

How many of your relationships are struggling because you’re taking the easy way out instead of doing the right (hard) thing?

Imagine if you stopped taking on hidden debts in your relationships. How would your life change?

Time to start building it up.

Have you incurred hidden debt in another aspect of your lfie? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox, and I can include your magic in a future issue. 🙏