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Tapping Curiosity to Grow Your Network
the reciprocity principle in your relationships
Hi there, happy Thursday!
Welcome to issue #30 of the Network Wrangler!
I want to take a moment to express my gratitude to you for showing up each week to read what I write, to vote in the poll, and to send me feedback on what works and what doesn’t. You’ve helped me craft something that seems to be hitting the mark, with a growing audience. Thank you.
Here’s to the next 30 issues!
Now, what we’re covering today:
Tapping Curiosity to Grow Your Network
Diving into Reciprocity
Tapping Curiosity to Grow Your Network
One of the major benefits of reaching out to your old and cold connections is the logical starting point for the conversation: What have you been up to since we last talked?
After all, you were once close to them, but you've slipped out of contact for whatever (perfectly natural) reason. Now, you get to pick things up again and let your curiosity guide you through exploring what has happened in the intervening years.
If you’re an active listener (as I know many of you are), you hit the ground running with that initial “tell me what’s been going on?” and the dialog naturally flows from there as you go back and forth revealing story after story to fill in the blanks.
But if you find you’re a member of the well-meaning, but still a little awkward, camp approaching these kinds of catch-up conversations, here are some lines of inquiry you can prepare ahead of time:
Look at their LinkedIn to see what’s changed professionally since you last connected. Any change of role/company is an opportunity to ask why it happened. And if they’re still in the same place? an even better reason to ask why.
Think about how old their kids are now compared to back when you last talked. Ask about their accomplishments/struggles/dreams. Parents are always proud to gush about their kids, especially to someone who knew them when they were “this tall” (holds hand about hip height).
Ask what’s the biggest lesson they’ve learned in the intervening time since you spoke.
Ask what advice they’d give to the person they were the last time you connected and how their life might be different now if they’d followed it.
Inquire about colleagues you both worked with back when and what they are doing now.
Now, as many of you know, I’ve been practicing reaching out to old and cold connections on a regular basis this year. I like to think of myself as being an active (and attentive) listener, and yet I’ve noticed a pattern emerge in how I’ve been preparing for the last half dozen reconnections I’ve made.
In the days between our setting up the calendar event to catch up and the actual appointed video call/coffee shop meetup, I can’t help but formulate a story to try to make sense of what has happened to them since we last talked.
I’m not talking about the stuff readily available on LinkedIn, but more the motivations that saw them move from one job to another, or take a break for a bit, or finally start their own company.
I recognize this behavior as my creating a map to fill in the continuity break in our relationship, and the conversation that flows when we finally do connect is my way to see if the actual terrain (their lived existence) matches my map (my story for what happened).
I’m often floored by just how far detached from reality my map is:
A job change I thought was motivated by upward mobility turned out to instead be a move closer to an aging parent.
A successful launch of a consulting business was driven by getting squeezed out of a role by not-so-subtle ageism in the workplace.
A decade-long tenure in a role we both knew was less-than-ideal was driven solely by the need to maintain health insurance for a spouse who got really sick.
It’s a great reminder that the map is not the territory.
The story we tell ourselves is a representation that often doesn’t reflect reality, it just makes us feel better about something we don’t know. A map might say one thing, but when you’re actually in the terrain, talking to the person you thought you’d mapped accurately, you discover something completely different.
While this mapmaking might be a potent tool for preparing to reconnect with an old and cold connection, it can backfire instead, in a not-so-nice way.
How many times have you created a mental map and, when it’s wrong, then worked way too hard to get reality to bend to match your map instead of the other way around?
As I look back at my life and the many worldviews I’ve cultivated over the past decades, I’m more than a little embarrassed to realize how much time and energy I’ve wasted trying to defend my maps instead of exploring the actual terrain to learn the truth.
It’s only been in the last four years, really, that I can honestly say I’ve intentionally focused on following my curiosity to explore the terrain before starting to make a map. But it’s this very exploration that has brought me so much joy in connecting with people again.
And the maps I’m making after the connecting conversations are so much more vivid and representative of who is in my life and why they’re here. And this practice has led to exponential growth in my networks through authentic referrals and connections and shared value.
I hope you find time this weekend to think about the maps you’ve created context-free, to give yourself permission to throw them away, and to follow your curiosity to explore the terrain of your networks as they are today. It’ll be time very well spent.
Photo by Valentin Antonucci
Balancing the Give and Take: The Reciprocity Principle in Professional Relationships
The foundational element of networking is the reciprocity principle, where mutual exchanges of value between connections nurture a stronger relationship. Think of it as the sociological equivalent to the neuroscience observation that “brain cells that fire together, wire together.” Understanding and effectively applying this principle can enhance our existing relationships and help us forge strong new ones.
Here are some ideas on how to maintain a healthy balance of give and take in your professional interactions, ensuring long-term, sustainable connections that won’t grow old or cold any time soon.
Understand and Practice the Principle of Reciprocity
Reciprocity in networking means that both parties benefit from the relationship. It's about more than just trading favors; it's about creating value for each other. This could be through sharing knowledge, providing support, or offering resources. We have plenty of room to get creative in identifying ways to create value. When reciprocity is practiced, relationships deepen and become more resilient, providing even greater value over time in a compounding way (like interest on your bank account).
Be the First to Give
In any new or existing relationship, proactively offer help or resources without an immediate expectation of return. This could be something as simple as offering insight into a project your connection is working on, or sharing an opportunity that aligns with their goals. Initiating the give-and-take cycle sets a positive tone for the relationship. Humans are so good at sensing when there are strings tied to a gift, even when we can’t figure out the exact return expectation. Treat your first move as a true gift to ensure there isn’t even a whiff of quid pro quo around it.
Listen and Identify Needs
To effectively balance giving and receiving, you need to understand the needs of the other party. Spend time listening and asking questions to identify what your connections value most. This will enable you to offer assistance that is genuinely helpful and appreciated, thereby strengthening the bond. For those of you who’ve read The Five Love Languages, this concept should seem very familiar: it’s about what the other party values, not what you value.
Maintain Transparency
Be clear about your needs and goals in your professional relationships. Transparency fosters trust and understanding, allowing both parties to find ways to support each other effectively. This clarity prevents misunderstandings and ensures that the reciprocity principle works smoothly. My favorite quote about this subject is, “Unexpressed expectations are just delayed resentment.”
Express Gratitude
Always acknowledge and show appreciation for any help or resources received. Gratitude not only reinforces the value of the relationship but also encourages continued mutual support. I continue to be surprised at how stingy people are in saying thanks to others. When you feel the gratitude, share it. It makes the world go ‘round better.
By consciously implementing the reciprocity principle in your professional relationships, you can cultivate a supportive and sustainable network. This balance of give and take ensures that all parties feel valued, which is crucial for building strong, lasting connections in any professional field.
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