The Fewer, The Stronger

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Hi there,

We’ve all felt the subtle shift.

In our twenties and thirties, life feels like a revolving door of introductions: coworkers, party invites, weddings, mutual friends, community groups. New connections come easily, almost effortlessly. But somewhere along the way—between the fourth job change, the unexpected move, the kids, the caregiving—your social life starts feeling... thinner.

Not necessarily emptier. Just quieter. More selective.

This isn't failure. It’s evolution.

And if you’re wondering whether it’s better to have fewer friends as you age, as long as they’re meaningful, the research is crystal clear.

Aging Gracefully, Socially

The psychologist Laura Carstensen, founder of Stanford’s Center on Longevity, coined the “Socioemotional Selectivity Theory,” which essentially argues that as we grow older, our goals shift from information-seeking to emotional satisfaction. That means we begin to prioritize close, emotionally rich relationships over new or superficial ones.

A study published in Psychological Bulletin (Lang & Carstensen, 2002) found that older adults deliberately focus on a smaller circle of emotionally rewarding relationships. These aren’t just happier relationships, they’re protective. They guard against loneliness, depression, even chronic disease.

It’s not just sociology: it’s biology.

One of the largest longitudinal studies of adult development, Harvard’s 85-year Grant and Glueck Study, repeatedly confirms that “close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.” Meaningful friendships are a better predictor of long-term health than cholesterol levels.

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Quality > Quantity (And That Doesn’t Mean Isolation)

Daniel Chidiac’s wisdom in Stop Letting Everything Affect You puts it plainly:

But let’s be careful here.

This doesn’t mean we should prune our social garden down to a single bonsai tree of one or two “ride-or-die” connections. And it definitely doesn’t mean ghosting anyone who no longer serves your every need.

Instead, it means aligning your energy with the people who reciprocate. Those who show up. Those who, in their own way, carry part of the emotional load instead of always placing it on your back.

And for those connections that are no longer reciprocal? You don’t need to slam the door. You can honor their season in your life. Thank them, quietly or directly, for what they offered. Then let go, gracefully. Let them drift away.

Gratitude does more than soften the exit. It rewires your brain toward connection instead of resentment. It prepares you to receive new, healthy relationships because you’re not dragging emotional clutter into them.

The Dunbar Dilemma

Here’s the reality check: Robin Dunbar, the evolutionary psychologist, found that humans have a cognitive limit to the number of stable social relationships we can maintain. The limit is roughly 150, colloquially known as Dunbar’s number.

More importantly, our closest circles, those we share our lives with, are much smaller:

• 5 intimate friends - those who you turn to in times of emotional or financial crisis

• 15 good friends - those who know so much about you

• 50 meaningful contacts - those you’d invite to a backyard BBQ

• 150 casual acquaintances - you know who owes whom a favor (Dunbar’s number)

Work by sociologist Gerald Mollenhurst led to the finding that we lose about half our closest friendships every seven years due to changes in proximity, life phases, or priorities. So if your friend circle has thinned lately, it’s not just you. It’s everyone.

But here's the empowering part: those relationships aren’t gone forever. Most can be rekindled with nothing more than a simple message:

“I was just thinking about you. Want to catch up soon?”

That’s the beauty of these old and cold connections. It’s like they’ve been freeze-dried and tucked away in the cupboard. All it takes is a drop of attention to reconnect, and all the old nostalgia and well-being and trust and care come rushing back into it again.

Friendship Isn’t Transactional. But It Is Intentional

Meaningful friendship isn’t about constant maintenance or perfectly balanced effort; it’s about intentionality.

• If you have a friend who shows up emotionally, even occasionally, invest in that.

• If you’ve carried the emotional labor for someone else for years, and they continue to offload their burdens without curiosity about yours, set the boundary.

• If someone once mattered but doesn’t fit your life now, release them with grace.

This all makes room: for healthier friendships, for serendipitous reconnections, for the kind of people who light you up instead of dim your spark.

This Week’s Challenge: Curate and Cultivate

Before next week’s Network Wrangler hits your inbox, I invite you to take The Curate & Cultivate Challenge:

1. Curate:

   • Identify one relationship that drains you or no longer aligns with who you're becoming.

   • Honor it. Release it: with gratitude, not guilt.

2. Cultivate:

   • Text or call one person you value deeply but haven’t connected with in a while.

   • Say: “Hey, I was thinking about you today. Would love to catch up this week.”

That’s it. One release. One renewal.

In this season of life, connection isn’t about collecting. It’s about curating—thoughtfully, intentionally, lovingly.

And remember: you don’t need more people.

You need the right people.

What’s been your experience setting boundaries and letting people gracefully drift away? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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