The Four Social Gifts You Already Have

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Hi there,

We’ve all felt it: that quiet drift. One day you look up and realize that your social world has grown a little smaller. Friends have moved, changed jobs, or simply faded out with time. According to sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst, we lose about half of our close relationships every seven years, a phenomenon I often call Dunbar’s Churn.

And yet, building new friendships as adults is notoriously difficult. We don’t bump into people at recess anymore. Our routines narrow. Our circles tighten. We become focused and busy, and our connections fade.

That’s why this week, I want to introduce you to a framework I love called the Four Social Gifts: tools each of us already has at our disposal to turn strangers into acquaintances and acquaintances into friends.

Stop Being the Guest, Be the Host

When we meet someone new, we tend to act like mutual guests: awkward, waiting for the other to steer the conversation, unsure who’s responsible for the vibe. But great socializers flip that script. No matter where they are or who they're with, they adopt the mindset of a host.

Being a “host” doesn’t mean controlling the conversation or showing off. It means making someone feel comfortable, seen, and welcome. You take the initiative. You smooth the social wrinkles. You hold space.

And the best way to hold that space? You offer a gift.

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The Four Social Gifts

In their book First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You, Ann Demarais and Valerie White describe four universal gifts that make others feel good in our presence and want to spend more time with us.

Each of these is rooted in a fundamental human need. So when you’re talking with a stranger, you’re not just chatting. You’re giving people what they crave.

1. Appreciation

People bloom when they feel seen. A sincere compliment, acknowledgment, or recognition of effort fills this bucket. It’s not about flattery. It’s about honoring someone’s presence or qualities.

2. Connection

This is where the “You too?” moment lives. When we find common ground, we feel less alone. Discover shared hobbies, alma maters, mutual friends, and even the same go-to podcast.

3. Elevation

We love to feel uplifted. Humor, joy, and good energy are contagious. Help people feel better than when they arrived. This can be as simple as sharing a smile, but the gift is taking it a step farther.

4. Enlightenment

People love to learn something novel: an idea, a perspective, a piece of trivia. Sharing insight (without lecturing!) is a gift that sparks curiosity. Keep the enlightenment short and sweet to avoid veering into lecture mode.

Don’t Overplay Your Favorite

Most of us default to one or two gifts. Maybe you're the appreciator, always quick with a compliment. Or the uplifter, always cracking jokes.

But overusing just one gift can backfire. The joker can seem shallow. The appreciator can come off as insincere. Authentic charm is about balance, the full sampler platter.

You don’t have to dazzle someone with all four in one sitting. Just offer a mix over time and let the relationship unfold.

Social ROI: Give More, Get More

Adopting this “gift-giver” mindset shifts everything. It reduces self-consciousness (you’re focused outward, not inward). It builds trust and warmth. It positions you as someone who adds value, not just extracts it.

And over time, the social energy you give gets mirrored back. Relationships grow richer. You become known as someone people want to be around.

As Julianne Holt-Lunstad’s research at BYU continues to show, strong, diverse relationships are a predictor of long-term health, on par with quitting smoking or engaging in regular exercise. That’s right: social generosity isn’t just good manners. It’s medicine.

This Week’s Connection Challenge

Here’s your homework to complete before next week’s newsletter hits your inbox:

Practice giving all four gifts in four different conversations.

That’s it.

It could be with coworkers, baristas, neighbors, or strangers in line. Choose someone new or someone familiar and offer one clear moment of:

• Appreciation

• Connection

• Elevation

• Enlightenment

Keep it simple. Watch what happens.

If you do it right, people won’t just like being around you; they’ll seek you out again.

That’s how community grows: one gift at a time.

And the best part? You’ve had everything you needed all along.

What’s your default gifting mode? (I think mine are connection and elevation.) Do you have a go-to question or compliment you think could help others? Just hit reply. Your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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