Hi {{first_name|there}}, it’s Thomas.

I was at the gym earlier this week, resting on the lat pulldown machine between sets and watching some of the regulars socialize with each other as they were “working out.” If I’m being honest, I used to make fun of these people who spent little time lifting weights but a lot of time gossiping surrounded by workout machines.

But this week it dawned on me that they’re actually putting in the reps, but it’s toward maintaining their social ties, and, in doing so, improving their social health. They’re making a bunch of small, consistent interactions because it’s all about minding the things that require maintenance.

We all understand this instinctively when it comes to our physical health. We exercise because strength fades when neglected. We brush our teeth because small daily habits prevent larger problems later. Yet many of us assume friendships should somehow take care of themselves.

The reality is that most friendships do not end because of a dramatic disagreement or betrayal. More often, they slowly erode through a series of small imbalances that accumulate over time. One person becomes the planner, the listener, the initiator, and the emotional caretaker. The other person simply responds.

At first, the imbalance barely registers. Friendship has never been about keeping score, and healthy relationships naturally go through seasons when one person needs more support than the other. But when the imbalance becomes permanent rather than temporary, something important begins to change. What once felt like generosity starts to feel like obligation.

The culprit is often something psychologists and sociologists have studied for decades: a lack of reciprocity.

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When most people think about friendship, they focus on chemistry, shared interests, trust, or history. Those things certainly do matter, especially in the early stages, but beneath them sits a quieter force that determines whether a friendship feels nourishing or exhausting.

Reciprocity does not mean every interaction must be perfectly balanced. Nobody is tracking points on an invisible scoreboard. Instead, reciprocity reflects the feeling that both people are invested in the relationship and willing to contribute to its success.

Research consistently shows that reciprocal friendships generate stronger feelings of belonging, emotional support, and psychological well-being than relationships that are consistently one-sided. The reason is simple. We all want to feel chosen. We want to know that the relationship matters to the other person, not just to us.

When that feeling disappears, resentment often arrives long before awareness does. You may notice yourself feeling oddly frustrated after spending time with someone. You begin questioning whether your expectations are unreasonable because nothing overtly bad has happened. You realize you’re starting to keep track of who reached out first.

Your instincts may be noticing something important.

One of the clearest signs of nonreciprocity is when interactions consistently flow in one direction.

Perhaps you have a friend who regularly calls when life becomes difficult. You happily listen, offer advice, and provide support. But when you're facing your own challenges, they offer a few sympathetic words before quickly steering the conversation back toward themselves.

Or perhaps they seek your honesty when it helps them solve a problem, yet become defensive whenever you offer the same candor unprompted.

The friendship still exists. There is still communication. There is still affection. But the exchange increasingly favors one person over the other.

Over time, these interactions create a subtle emotional tax. You leave conversations feeling drained instead of restored. The friendship begins consuming more energy than it provides.

That doesn't necessarily make the other person selfish or malicious. Often they are completely unaware of the pattern. But awareness doesn't change the impact. A relationship that consistently costs more emotional energy than it returns will eventually feel difficult to sustain.

Another place imbalance often reveals itself is through boundaries.

Healthy boundaries are essential to strong friendships because they create the conditions for mutual respect. Problems emerge when boundaries only seem to protect one person's needs.

Perhaps your friend needs space when they're stressed, and you respect that without question. Yet when you become distant during a difficult season, they interpret it as rejection. Or perhaps they frequently decline invitations because they need downtime, but expect immediate availability whenever they need support.

The issue isn't the boundary itself. The issue is that different rules are operating for different people.

Strong friendships allow both people to be human. Both people should be allowed to drift through difficult seasons. Both people should have limits. Both people should feel confident that their needs matter.

When one person's needs consistently take priority over the other's, the friendship quietly establishes a hierarchy. One person becomes the giver. The other becomes the receiver.

That's rarely sustainable over the long term.

One reason reciprocity matters so much is that friendship maintenance is largely invisible. We tend to notice dramatic acts of loyalty (as seen on TikTok!), but most relationships are actually built through small acts repeated over time.

Good friendship hygiene sometimes means reaching out first. It means remembering important dates, following up after difficult conversations, asking thoughtful questions, and checking in without a specific reason. It means demonstrating through action that the relationship occupies space in your mind even when your friend isn't physically present.

These gestures may seem insignificant in isolation, but collectively they communicate something powerful: You matter to me.

Most friendships don't require grand sacrifices. They require consistent evidence of mutual care.

When both people practice that kind of maintenance, the relationship becomes remarkably resilient. When only one person does, cracks eventually begin to appear.

I’ve noticed a weakness in my own approach to friendships: when I feel like I’m the bigger burden, my instinct is to drift away rather than make the investment to share the load. My therapist and I are still working through the “why I do this,” but I am aware of it and working on it.

Yet, when I examine the friendships that have endured the longest in my own life, none of them is perfectly balanced.

There have been periods when I needed more support than I could offer. There have been periods when the opposite was true. What makes these friendships special is not that every interaction is equal. It's that neither person doubts the other's commitment to carrying the relationship forward.

Sometimes I make the call. Sometimes they do.

Sometimes I need help. Sometimes they do.

The load shifts naturally over time, but both people remain committed to carrying it.

That, ultimately, is what reciprocity looks like. Not equality in every moment, but a shared commitment to the health of the connection itself.

Before next week's newsletter arrives, spend a few minutes reflecting on three friendships that matter to you.

Ask yourself where the energy is flowing. Are you carrying more of the relationship than you realize? Have you unintentionally allowed someone else to carry more than their share? Which friendships leave you feeling energized, appreciated, and supported? Which ones leave you feeling depleted?

Then choose one friendship and take action.

If you've been relying on someone else's generosity, make the first move. Reach out, schedule the coffee, ask the thoughtful question, or offer support without being prompted.

If you've been carrying the relationship almost entirely on your own, experiment with stepping back long enough to see whether the other person steps forward.

The healthiest friendships are not perfectly balanced. They are simply relationships where both people continue choosing each other over time. Those are the friendships that build lasting social wealth, and those are the friendships worth protecting.

I’ll see you at the gym!

What’s been your experience with reciprocity? Do you have something you think could help others? Do you have a favorite triceps exercise to share with me? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏