Hi {{first_name|there}}, it’s Thomas.

Forget the red sports car or the solo trip to Bali. The real answer to a midlife crisis isn’t found in a garage or an airport lounge. It’s found in something far simpler and far more powerful: human connection.

Americans born in the 1960s and ’70s are hitting their 50s and 60s with a troubling pattern. Compared to earlier generations, and peers in other wealthy nations, they’re reporting more loneliness, more depression, and sharper declines in memory and physical strength. According to psychologist Frank J. Infurna and colleagues at Arizona State University, this isn’t just anecdotal. It’s data. And the reason? Not just weaker bodies or busier lives. Weaker social systems. And with them, weaker relationships.

The problem may feel structural. But the solution starts in the personal.

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Infurna’s cross-national study, published in Current Directions in Psychological Science, explored midlife well-being across 17 countries. The takeaway is sobering: while Europeans are aging into midlife with better mental and physical health, Americans are faltering.

The reason? Middle-aged Americans are juggling too much with too little support.

In Nordic countries (shoutout to all my Nordic subscribers!), for example, midlife loneliness has shrunk. In the U.S., it’s only grown. Despite higher education levels, Americans are showing cognitive decline, suggesting that stress is undoing the benefits that schooling once provided.

But the research is also clear in one thing: connection helps. Social ties are the one variable that consistently improves resilience, buffers stress, and strengthens cognitive health over time.

If the crisis is systemic, why focus on friendships?

Because they are the only thing within our control that can counteract the worst of midlife strain.

Studies have shown that having just one or two close confidants significantly lowers the risk of depression and memory loss. Social connection improves immunity, increases lifespan, and even reduces cardiovascular disease. That landmark study from Harvard that I love to refer to—the longest-running study on adult development—found that relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people healthy and happy as they age.

Friendships help us regulate stress. They offer emotional safety. They remind us who we are outside our roles as workers, parents, or caregivers. And crucially, they give us perspective: someone else who’s also in it, who sees you, who says, “You’re not alone.”

Midlife in the U.S. often means geographic spread, long commutes, digital distractions, and overwork. There’s less time, and less energy, to nurture the relationships that buffer against all that pressure. And unlike many European societies, we don’t have community baked into our systems.

So instead, we have to build it—deliberately.

Connection must become a form of self-care. Not the kind with candles and bath salts, but the kind where you show up, consistently, for someone else. The kind where you let someone show up for you.

Before the next newsletter hits your inbox, pick one friend you trust and admire.

Then, do one of the following:

But don’t stop there. You know what’s next.

At the end of your communication, do the move: “When’s the next time I’ll see you?”

That one question is a vote for continuity. A vote for showing up. A vote against the midlife unraveling that threatens to turn us all into isolated islands.

Because the best defense against a fraying society is not strength.

It’s solidarity.

And that starts with you reaching out to a friend.

Are you a midlifer who’s felt this? Do you know someone who has had the experience? Tell me about it! Your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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