The Power of Showing Up (Again and Again)

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Hi there, it’s Thomas.

When we talk about the power of friendship, we often think in terms of grand gestures or deep conversations, the kind of moments that define a bond. But if you zoom out, the real magic of relationships isn’t in the highlight reel.

It’s in the repetition.

Think about it: How did you make your best friends in the first place? Probably not through a single, memorable interaction, but through hundreds of hours of casual, consistent time together. That’s what research from BYU’s Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad reinforces: regular social engagement doesn’t just feel good, it’s vital for our long-term physical and mental health.

In fact, it’s as important to your health as exercise, sleep, and diet.

And just like physical activity, social activity only works if you make it a habit.

Connection Is a Practice

Not many people know this, but I spent the first few months of the COVID lockdown in a small apartment in Sydney, Australia, half a world away from all my family. The imbalance of time zones created a lot of friction to keeping in touch over FaceTime, and it was easy to drift away as we each battled our isolation demons in our own ways.

As soon as I returned to California in May of 2020, feeling more alone than ever, I set about reconnecting with family and friends again. That’s when I stumbled onto a social habit that had a lasting impact on my relationship with my dad for the rest of his life.

In the summer of 2020, my dad and I had our first “Drinks with Dad” video call. It was on a warm Tuesday night after I put my youngest to bed. I poured myself a whiskey and hopped on a FaceTime with my dad to catch up for an hour or so.

At the end of the call, we agreed to make it a weekly check-in, and so it went on our calendars as a recurring Tuesday 9 pm meeting.

We had no set agenda, just a shared space to connect, and we could always start off answering the most straightforward question of “whatcha drinking?” Our conversations ranged from topical to philosophical, from timely to timeless, from vulnerable to venerating.

Even after the lockdown restrictions lifted, and we could visit in person, we still kept to our weekly Drinks with Dad call, and our relationship grew stronger than ever.

Our last call was the night before he unexpectedly died, and I’m so very grateful to have had those years of growing closer every Tuesday night. He and I relived and created so many good memories in those weekly calls, and I was more present with him in those last years than I had been in the half-century prior.

Our love for each other had grown, and we both knew it.

Without that consistent time on the schedule, I’m sure we would not have been as close as we were. Without that consistent time on the schedule, the tyranny of busyness would have kept the desire for closeness in check, and our time together would have been in fits and starts, if at all.

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve spoken to who wish they’d done something similar with their parents before they’d passed.

Maybe you’re one of them. If so, stop reading the newsletter and send them a note that you want to catch up this weekend. I’ll wait.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to know I’ve got weekly Monday night calls with my mom (sometimes with a drink, sometimes not). And I have a regular Wednesday lunchtime catch-up with my closest friend in Denmark. My brother and I are getting better at talking more frequently, but I know, with this newsletter, I’ll find the resolve to put a regular call on the calendar, finally.

With several other friends, I’ve got a monthly slot on the calendar for us to touch base, all in the name of consistently staying in contact. And there are even more friends I know I need to get back in touch with after our regular calls dropped off.

To keep our connection warm. To keep them from getting old and cold.

I find it easier to have something on the calendar that can be canceled due to unforeseen circumstances than to go through all the back-and-forth to make a good intention into a calendared event.

So my calendar looks full, but it’s for a good reason.

It’s all about making a plan and then executing on it in the name of friendship, of connection. More on this after a word from this week’s sponsor…

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The Friendship Workout Plan

We often say we don’t have time to connect. But the truth is, we just haven’t designed our lives to prioritize it. The best antidote to this isn’t guilt or avoidance. It’s routine.

When you build routines around connection, you take the guesswork and emotional friction out of staying in touch.

You give yourself (and others) something to count on, and you have something to look forward to!

Here are a few ways to build consistency into your friendships, depending on how much time you have:

Daily

• Morning or evening walks with a neighbor or friend

• Eating lunch with a coworker instead of alone at your desk

• Saying hello to the same people on your commute or gym visits

Weekly

• A standing Saturday brunch or Sunday hike

• Attending a recurring yoga or fitness class

• Volunteering on a team or joining a spiritual community

Monthly

• Game nights, potlucks, or dinner with extended family

• Rotating dinner parties with friends

• A scheduled “friend check-in” call (put it on your calendar)

Annually

• An alumni reunion or friends' weekend getaway

• A birthday camping trip or yearly movie marathon

• Reconnecting traditions: even a shared playlist exchange or video call on the same date each year

Whatever your flavor of friendship looks like, just remember this: the routine matters more than the event. Show up, again and again.

Why It Works (And Why It’s Worth It)

We know from the 2018 study by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas that it takes 50 hours to go from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to become regular friends, and 200+ hours to become close.

You don’t need to clock those hours all in one go. You just need to start the clock and keep showing up.

Fill your calendar with activities you enjoy, and then invite the people you'd like to share them with. Or, if your calendar is already full, invite others who are not yet a part of it.

A growing body of research shows that diverse social ties are a predictor of long-term health and well-being. Those studies from the Harvard Study of Adult Development and from Holt-Lunstad’s work on social integration have made this clear:

The more varied and supported your relationships are, the longer and healthier your life will be.

And as with anything important, if you don’t make time for it, it won’t happen.

This Week’s Challenge: Schedule Your Friendship

Before next week’s newsletter hits your inbox, pick one social activity to turn into a recurring routine. Not a one-time meetup, but something you can do weekly or monthly. Text a friend and say: “I want to make our hangouts a habit. Want to make this a regular thing?”

Need ideas?

• Create a rotating dinner group (potluck-style)

• Join a meetup, hobby group, or run club

• Propose a Sunday walk-and-talk with someone you care about

• Schedule a video call to share a beverage (alcohol or caffeine, or neither)

Remember: friendship isn’t built in the big moments. It’s built in the rhythm of ordinary ones, repeated.

It’s been over two years since my dad passed away, and I still have my weekly “Drinks with Dad” event on my calendar. It reminds me to think of him, and of us even if it’s just for a moment on a Tuesday evening.

What recurring events do you have with your friends? Do you have something on the calendar for one kind of friend and something else for another? Let me know! Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏