The Real Wealth of Fewer Friends

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Hi there, it’s Thomas.

As we grow older, our lives fill up with work, family, commitments, and routines, but our capacity for deep, meaningful relationships too often shrinks. It’s easy to confuse proximity for connection or mistake familiarity for closeness. Yet, the friendships that sustain us in midlife and beyond aren’t simply the ones that last the longest; they’re the ones that help us grow.

That’s the essence of Relational-Cultural Theory (RCT), a framework developed by psychologist Dr. Jean Baker Miller in the 1970s and expanded by scholars such as Judith Jordan and Irene Stiver. RCT challenges the long-held belief that independence is the hallmark of maturity. Instead, it argues that we “grow through and toward connection.”

Healthy relationships—those marked by mutual empathy, authenticity, and care—don’t just make us happier; they make us more resilient, more creative, and even more physically healthy.

And when those relationships are thriving, Miller identified that we experience what she called the Five Good Things: five hallmarks of growth-fostering connection.

More on what these are after a word from this week’s sponsor…

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1. Zest: The Energy That Connection Brings

Zest is the vitality that comes from being truly seen and understood. It’s the spark you feel after a conversation that leaves you buzzing with insight or laughter. Research in positive psychology shows that positive emotions generated in such exchanges broaden our thinking and build our psychological resilience.

Ask yourself: Who in my life leaves me feeling more alive after we talk? That’s zest in action, and a clue to who brings out your best self.

2. Productivity and Creativity: Mutual Empowerment

In supportive relationships, we don’t just feel good, we do good. Collaboration with people we trust amplifies creativity, deepens focus, and encourages persistence through challenges. Studies on workplace belonging show that teams built on mutual respect and care outperform those driven by competition or hierarchy.

Try this: invite a friend or colleague into a project you’ve been tackling solo. Notice how shared energy reshapes what’s possible.

3. A Sense of Worth: Being Seen and Valued

Feeling valued by others is one of the strongest predictors of well-being. In fact, research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2016) found that perceived relational value, the feeling that others genuinely care for and appreciate us, directly correlates with happiness and lower levels of depression.

Reflect for a moment: Whose presence consistently reminds you that you matter? And just as importantly, who feels that way after spending time with you?

These are the bonds that build self-worth: mutually, not hierarchically.

4. Clarity: Seeing Ourselves (and Others) More Clearly

Healthy relationships function like mirrors. Through authentic exchange, especially when we feel safe enough to be honest, we gain clearer insight into who we are and what we need.

Miller and Jordan described clarity as the outcome of mutual empathy: when both people share openly and listen deeply, understanding sharpens for both. Vulnerability, it turns out, isn’t weakness. It’s a path to wisdom.

Try this: instead of waiting for perfect timing, share something real this week with someone you trust. You may be surprised by how much closer it brings you.

5. Desire for More Connection: The Growth Cycle

Here’s the beautiful paradox: healthy relationships don’t make us dependent, they make us expansive. When we experience connection that’s nourishing, we crave more of it, not from a place of need, but of abundance.

Sociological studies on social capital show that positive relational energy doesn’t just stay between two people, it radiates outward, encouraging us to engage more widely in our communities.

Recognize it: When a friendship leaves you with that “let’s do this again soon” feeling, that’s the desire for more connection: the final of Miller’s Five Good Things, and perhaps the most vital.

Connection as a Public Health Practice

Miller often said, “We need connection the way we need air and water.” Research continues to back her up. Studies by Julianne Holt-Lunstad at Brigham Young University show that strong social relationships increase longevity by up to 50%. Meanwhile, loneliness and isolation are now recognized by the U.S. Surgeon General as significant public health risks, on par with smoking or obesity.

So while these Five Good Things may sound like soft psychology, they’re actually biopsychosocial essentials, vital nutrients for a long, healthy, and fulfilling life.

Your Friendship Challenge: Map Your Five Good Things

Before the next issue of The Network Wrangler arrives, take 15 minutes to reflect on your closest circle.

1. List 5–10 of your closest friends.

2. For each, identify which of the Five Good Things you most experience together.

   • Zest? Creativity? A sense of worth? Clarity? The desire for more connection?

3. Notice the gaps. Which of these qualities feels absent, and what might you do to nurture them?

4. Choose one friend to reach out to this week, not with a catch-up text, but with genuine gratitude or curiosity.

Because the truth is this: we don’t find connection by accident. We create it, one meaningful exchange at a time.

What’s been your experience with RCT? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply. Your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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