The Reciprocity Effect: Why Smart Connectors Always Give First

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Hi there, it’s Thomas.

You can’t see it, but it’s always there, hovering just above your head when you're with someone else.

An invisible scoreboard tallies every interaction: who gave more, who took more, and who walked away owing a little something.

It’s not about guilt. It’s about gravity.

This unspoken scorekeeping is a manifestation of one of the most powerful forces in social dynamics: the law of reciprocity. And whether you’re managing a professional network, building community, or catching up with an old friend, reciprocity is shaping every conversation, every ask, and every relationship arc.

In short: if you want to be an effective connector—someone people trust, refer, and value—you must understand the power of giving first.

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The Law That Governs All Relationships

The Law of Reciprocity, sometimes called the "norm of reciprocity" in sociology, is universal. It’s deeply rooted in human psychology and socialization. From early childhood, we’re conditioned to return favors, match generosity, and reciprocate kindness. It’s hardwired into our behavior because it promotes group cohesion and trust.

This isn’t just anecdotal.

• A 2005 review in Current Directions in Psychological Science highlighted reciprocity as a foundational mechanism in human cooperation and prosocial behavior.

• Sociologist Alvin Gouldner described it as a “universal moral code,” showing up in virtually every society and culture.

• Even Robert Cialdini, the godfather of influence science, says reciprocity is the single most effective lever of persuasion.

But here’s the catch: reciprocity doesn’t reward the impatient.

The moment you try to cash in too soon, or hint that a return favor is owed, you’ve violated the spirit of the exchange, and you weaken the social bond instead of strengthening it.

The Power of the Scoreboard

Whether you’re conscious of it or not, being human means you’re tracking the status of reciprocity with every single person you meet. We act on our knowledge of the status of reciprocity without even thinking about it.

Want to bring it to consciousness? Think of every interaction you have with others as if it’s part of a point system:

• Introduce someone to a valuable contact? +10

• Share a job lead or resource? +8

• Follow up with a thoughtful check-in? +5

• Ask for a big favor before you’ve built trust? -15

• Send four “pick your brain?” emails in a row without offering anything back? -20

Now imagine these numbers floating above your head. Whose score is higher?

This isn’t about gaming people. It’s about staying in integrity. When your scoreboard shows you’ve invested more into the relationship, you hold the power, and more importantly, the respect, in the interaction.

When your score is consistently lower, you’re in danger of being seen as opportunistic, needy, or transactional. That’s a huge red flag in any relationship, and unless you change your ways, you could find yourself in isolation.

The Three Flavors of Reciprocity

Want to get even more knowledgeable about how to influence others in your interactions? Sociologists generally define reciprocity in three categories:

1. Generalized Reciprocity
   This is giving without expecting anything in return, often between close friends or family. People who are naturally good at networking often default to this kind of reciprocity.
   Example: Sharing your Airbnb recommendations or client onboarding checklist just because someone asked.

2. Balanced Reciprocity
   An exchange where a return is expected, but not immediately. Here’s where sophistication and strategy come to play in growing and leveraging your network.
   Example: Buying lunch for a colleague, with the expectation that they’ll get the next one.

3. Negative Reciprocity
   Trying to get more than you give. Otherwise known as being selfish. A total newbie move.
   Example: Pitching a sales offer five minutes into a networking coffee you didn’t pay for.

If you want to build a high-trust network, aim for generalized reciprocity. It plants seeds that grow over time.

Balanced reciprocity happens naturally in good relationships. Whenever I forget who paid the last time, I always pick up the tab out of an abundance of caution to stay on the positive side of the ledger.

But negative reciprocity? That poisons the well. See red flags above.

Give What You Can, When You Can

You don’t need to be wealthy, well-connected, or influential to offer value. You just need to be generous with what you already have.

Here are six easy ways to rack up reciprocity points without expecting anything in return:

• Make an Introduction: Connect two people who should know each other (and always include context).

• Share a Resource: Article, tool, podcast, checklist, event—something that helps solve a problem.

• Offer Encouragement: A thoughtful compliment or thank-you note goes a long way.

• Be First to Follow Up: After a meeting or coffee, you be the one to send the recap or next step.

• Invite Others In: Bring someone new into a conversation, dinner, or event circle.

• Give Your Attention: Listening generously, without checking your phone, is increasingly rare.

These small acts compound. And over time, your network begins to see you as someone who consistently adds value. The returns will come. Not always from where you expect, but they will come.

A Word of Warning: Don’t Break the Spell

Here’s the fastest way to ruin any reciprocity play:

 Ask for too much, too soon.
 Act entitled to a return favor.
 Follow up with “just circling back” too aggressively.

Reciprocity is like karma; it works best when you give without attachment to the outcome. As soon as the scoreboard becomes visible, you’ve made it weird.

Stay patient. Trust the process. Remember: the best givers are playing a long game. They're cultivating reputations that precede them, which is the highest form of social capital there is.

This Week’s Challenge: Make a Deposit in Your Reciprocity Bank

Pick one person in your network, it could be a colleague, friend, acquaintance, or someone you’ve lost touch with, and do one thing that adds value to their life:

• Share an idea or article that reminded you of them

• Introduce them to someone they should meet

• Recommend a podcast or book they’d love

• Give them a shout-out or testimonial on LinkedIn

• Invite them to something fun, thoughtful, or useful

That’s it. No strings attached. No favor requested. Just a free deposit into your reciprocity bank.

After all, ‘tis the season!

What’s been your experience with the reciprocity bank? Have a good karma moment or a face-palm to share? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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