Using Atomic Habits to Reshape Your Friendships

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Hi there, it’s Thomas.

Here’s a hard truth: your adult friendships aren’t going to fix themselves.

If you’re not meeting the kinds of people you want to know, or if your inner circle feels smaller and less satisfying than it used to, it’s probably not because of who you are; it’s because of what you’re doing (or not doing).

As author James Clear famously writes in Atomic Habits:

So, what if you treated your social life like a system: a set of small, repeatable actions that create long-term transformation?

As we get ready to think about our resolutions for 2026, we’re taking a look at how atomic habits—the tiny behaviors that compound over time—can change the shape, size, and strength of your friend network as you age, not through heroic effort or personality makeovers, but through smart design.

Why It Gets Harder to Make Friends as We Age

Sociological research shows that our social circles tend to contract after major life transitions, like graduating from college, changing jobs, moving cities, raising families, and so on. Longtime readers already know about Dunbar’s Churn, a concept derived from the work of Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst who found we replace roughly half of our social ties every seven years. But most of us aren’t churning our friends intentionally. Life just happens, and our friendships scatter to the winds.

The problem? As we get older, friendship formation isn’t baked into our daily routines like it was in childhood: no recess, no after-school clubs, no campus housing. And without a structure, inertia takes over.

Here’s the good news: you can build the scaffolding again, starting with your habits.

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Atomic Habits for Building a Bigger, Stronger Network

James Clear’s habit formula (cue, craving, response, reward) works just as well in relationships as it does in fitness or productivity. So, let’s break it down in a network-building context.

Want to meet new people? Build a habit for discovery.

• Cue: Every Tuesday evening

• Response: Attend a recurring group event (language class, hiking group, volunteer shift)

• Reward: Mark a social “win” in a tracker: maybe a conversation with someone new or exchanged contact information

💡 Bonus Tip: Habit stack by linking this discovery to something you already do, e.g., “After work on Tuesdays, I go to that local entrepreneur meetup.”

Consistency here matters more than charisma. Don’t focus on hitting it off with others. Focus on showing up. The heaviest weight in the gym, and the community center, is still the front door.

Want to deepen existing relationships? Habitize your check-ins.

• Cue: Saturday morning coffee time

• Response: Text one friend, colleague, or old and cold (dormant) contact

• Reward: Short, thoughtful exchange (no expectations)

Create a “Circles of Connection” tracker (like a CRM but for humans). Rotate between strong ties (your core people) and weak ties (your extended network), and track when you last reached out.

As sociologist Mark Granovetter showed in his foundational research on “The Strength of Weak Ties,” our acquaintances, not just our best friends, are often the gateway to opportunity, support, and unexpected life shifts.

Systems Beat Willpower Every Time

Here’s the trick: don’t rely on motivation.

Design network-enriching habits that are:

• Obvious: Put the meetup flyer on your fridge.

• Attractive: Choose groups or people that energize you.

• Easy: Keep check-ins short and pressure-free.

• Satisfying: Track your consistency, not your popularity.

The most socially successful people aren’t extroverts; they’re the systematic ones. They bake connection into their lives the same way others build routines for reading, running, or journaling.

The Friendship Gym: Make Reps, Not Excuses

If you want better friends, start by becoming a better friend, consistently.

If you want a more diverse network, set up systems that place you among people different than you, regularly.

This means choosing weekly events, joining new spaces, setting calendar reminders, and tracking your progress, not for the dopamine hit, but because relationships thrive when you show up often, not perfectly.

This Week’s Challenge: Start Your Next Atomic Habit

This week we’re warming up to knock it out of the park with a resolution to improve our social well-being in 2026 with more and deeper friendships.

Pick ONE atomic habit you’ll start this week to strengthen your social network.

Need a few ideas?

• Add a 15-minute Friday friend check-in to your calendar.

• Commit to attending one new event in your community this week.

• Send a LinkedIn message to someone you admire but haven’t spoken with in a year.

• Start a group thread with three friends and suggest a monthly ritual like a dinner, a hike, or a book chat.

Whatever you choose, keep it small, repeatable, and visible.

Let it run in the background of your life, compounding trust and connection like social interest over time.

I’ll be doing the same. We’ve got just over a week to go before the new year’s resolutions hit in earnest.

What’s been your experience systematizing your relationship care and feeding? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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