Using Social Fitness to Combat Loneliness

Hi there,

Welcome to issue #43 of the Network Wrangler.

I appreciate all the extra loving I got in response to my “Ronnie Lott” issue last week. I wouldn’t have guessed there were so many 49ers fans in my subscription base. Nor would I have expected so many offers to meet up in Vegas to play some Texas Hold ‘Em.

Hearing from folks about these topics was a good spotlight on the importance of investing in my social fitness just like I do my physical fitness.

So much has been written about taking good care of our bodies through diet and exercise, but I don’t see the same attention being paid to taking good care of our relationships through connection and intention.

Why should we be interested in social fitness? It turns out it’s the horse that leads the cart of physical fitness into old age.

You can have the cleanest, leanest body in the world, but if you have no close relationships, you’re dangerously exposed to ending your life as a train wreck. And the opposite is true, too. Good relationships protect both our bodies and our brains.

These are some of the insights I got from spending time on the hiking trails in Hokkaido, contemplating all I’ve been reading in the Harvard Study of Adult Development. This longitudinal study has followed the lives of hundreds of men for more than 80 years and has provided all kinds of insights into how our relationships have such a powerful influence on our health.

Robert Waldinger, the Director of the Harvard study, reveals that the study shows “close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.”

As someone who’s been married and divorced, twice, I’m keenly interested to know how to overcome the inertia of getting more isolated as I grow older. A lot of why I’ve taken such a strong interest in networking and sociology and neuroscience is the “Me-search” benefits of doing this kind of research.

Anything I learn from others (and share with you) to strengthen my relationships helps me to buffer the adverse effects of being single in midlife.

And what are these adverse effects?

For starters, loneliness.

Waldinger, in his TED Talk about the Harvard study (viewed over 25 million times) puts it succinctly: “Loneliness kills. It’s as powerful as smoking or alcoholism.”

The men in the study who fared the worst didn't have friendships and things they were interested in — and couldn’t find them.

The decline of those civic institutions where men used to congregate (think the Elks or the Shriners) coupled with older men’s declining ability to participate in athletic activities means there are fewer and fewer opportunities to be stimulated or feel a sense of belonging. This is a toxic cocktail that can lead to depression, alcohol abuse, or even suicide.

The CDC reports that between 2001 and 2021, suicide rates significantly increased for men ages 55-74 and women ages 55-84. And men over the age of 75 have the highest suicide rates of all.

And how do we combat this epidemic of loneliness?

By learning to strengthen our relationships. By learning to make and remake friends again. Want to hear more? Mel Robbins dedicated an entire podcast (number 186) to the topic “How to Build Closer Friendships and Get Rid of Loneliness.”

In Waldinger’s TED Talk, he reveals what predicted how people were going to grow old. It wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels, “it was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.”

Are you already feeling satisfied in your relationships? If yes, I’m genuinely happy for you. But I’d also ask you to look around at those less fortunate than you in the friends department. Is there someone you know (or used to know) that could use a checking in on? What’s stopping you from sharing yourself with them?

If you ever needed even more encouragement to strengthen your network's connections, let this newsletter be your push. You never know when your small act of kindness and connection will make all the difference in the world to someone else.

And we will all benefit from your largesse.

After the photo, I’ll link to some resources you can use to go deeper on how to strengthen your friendships, old and new.

Resources for Strengthening Your Friendships and Connections

Starting from what feels like scratch? The ground rules from Waldinger are “to make an effort every day to be in touch with people. Find what you love — golf, gardening, birdwatching, pickleball, working on a political campaign — and pursue it,” he said. “Put yourself in a situation where you’re going to see the same people over and over again. Because that’s the most natural way conversations get struck up and friendships start to develop.”

For deeper reading, here’s a small sampling of what’s been open as tabs in my browser for the last few months:

• Missing a friend from the past? You Should Reach Out (Vox) - Tips on reconnecting with old friends and relationships.

• How to Make Friends as an Adult - and Keep Them (Reader’s Digest) - A panel of experts shares 8 tips on making friends as an adult.

• The “friendship divide” explained: How your education affects your ability to connect (Big Think) - College graduates tend to have more friends than those without degrees.

• The Rules for Keeping Your Long-Distance Friendship Alive (Slate) - lessons from fine-tuning the art of keeping in touch as friends come and go.

I hope you can find time this weekend to reach out to an old friend you haven’t spoken to in a long time. They miss you, too, and are hoping you’ll connect.

You won’t regret it, I promise.

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