When Friendships Fade

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Hi there, it’s Thomas.

It sneaks up on us.

One day you realize that someone who once knew everything about your life hasn’t heard from you in months, maybe even years. Not because of a falling out, but because life crept in: deadlines, moves, kids, caregiving, calendar fatigue.

It’s not your fault. It’s not theirs either.

In fact, sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst famously observed that we lose about half of our close relationships every seven years. It's a phenomenon I refer to as Dunbar’s churn. Relationships fade. Not always because of conflict, but because of changing priorities, shifting values, or simple logistics.

But here’s the good news: not all friendships need to end. Many just need a nudge. A breath of life. A well-timed invitation. Anything to keep them from disappearing into the pile of old and cold connections that we accumulate as we move through life.

And the rewards of sparking these friendships are enormous. According to Harvard’s Study of Adult Development, one of the longest longitudinal studies ever conducted, close relationships are the single strongest predictor of long-term health and happiness. Not money. Not fame.

Relationships.

So this week, we’re not trying to start new friendships. We’re reaching back to revive the ones that already matter.

More on how after a word from this week’s sponsor.

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5 Ways to Revive a Stale Friendship

Looking for a way to salvage a friendship from becoming an old and cold connection? Here are five different ways you can breathe life into it again.

1. Swap Stories, Not Status Updates

“How’s work?” isn’t a reconnection, it’s a resume checkpoint.

Instead, ask “What’s the weirdest thing that happened to you this month?” or “What’s something you changed your mind about recently?” Story-based questions crack open perspective and ignite emotion. They invite connection, not just conversation.

Psychologist Arthur Aron’s “36 Questions That Lead to Love” study reminds us: mutual vulnerability creates closeness. But you don’t need all 36. You just need to get past the weather.

2. Send a Thought, Not a Schedule

Waiting until you “have time to catch up” often means never reaching out. Instead, send a short voice memo while walking the dog. A photo from a shared memory. A link to an article they’d love. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture, just real.

According to MIT sociologist and author Sherry Turkle, our “always on” digital world has made us paradoxically hesitant to reach out in imperfect moments. But imperfect moments are often the most human ones.

3. Share a Memory, Unprompted

One of the fastest ways to rekindle that feeling of connection? Send an old photo, inside joke, or anniversary of a shared experience. The nostalgia effect, studied extensively in psychology, shows that reflecting on meaningful moments together builds immediate emotional warmth and empathy.

And let’s face it, who doesn’t love an out-of-nowhere “Remember this?” message with a goofy photo from 2009?

I don’t use Facebook much anymore, but I find the Memories feature to be a gold mine for bringing up these opportunities to reach out to long-lost friends.

4. Create a Reconnection Thread

Rekindle around a shared interest: hockey stats, reality TV, music festivals, parenting fails, or grad school gossip. Launch a separate thread where that’s the only topic allowed. It’s light, low-pressure, and a fun way to rebuild momentum.

Think of it as starting a mini “third place,” that sociological concept coined by Ray Oldenburg that refers to spaces outside of work and home where community thrives. Even if it’s virtual, that space can hold surprising emotional weight.

5. Build a Ritual, Even If It's Tiny

Weekly check-ins. Sunday night “what I’m looking forward to” messages. Monthly movie nights. These small recurring moments create structure—something many friendships desperately need in adulthood.

One of my best friends lives 5,500 miles away, but because we’ve had a standing video call on the calendar every Wednesday for three years, our connection hasn’t weakened; it’s grown.

Consistency beats intensity. Always.

Why This Matters So Much

Strong friendships don’t just feel good. They protect us. According to psychologist Julianne Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analysis of over 300,000 people, lacking social connection is as damaging to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Reviving even one dormant friendship could change your stress levels, your sleep, and even your cellular health.

And the beauty is you already have the raw materials. You don’t need to build new ties from scratch. You just need to pick up the thread.

This Week’s Challenge: Reopen One Door

Before next week’s newsletter arrives, pick one person you’ve fallen out of touch with, and try one of the following:

• Share a photo or memory from a past experience you had together

• Send a voice note or quick check-in with no agenda

• Ask a curious, personal question that invites story

• Invite them to try a short digital ritual (3 questions every Sunday, or a monthly call)

You don’t need to say, “I miss you.” Your effort will say it for you.

Because sometimes, the best friendships don’t start over. They pick up right where they left off.

How have you rekindled a relationship? Do you have something you think could help others? Just hit reply, and your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏