How to Recover From a Bad First Impression

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Hi there, it’s Thomas.

We’re happiest when we have a robust social network around us. The knowledge we are connected to others who care about us provides a foundation of security and belonging and love. And this foundation can help us weather all kinds of bad events, whether they’re completely accidental or totally a self-own.

Our social circle is organic and requires care and feeding to keep it strong. As we get older, all kinds of events conspire to disrupt the health of our networks: jobs change, kids go off to college, friends divorce, and acquaintances move away.

To counter these disruptions, we need to constantly be adding new acquaintances to our social graph which means putting ourselves out there to initiate the connection.

And, if you’re at all like me, it can sometimes feel daunting to reach out to a stranger thanks to one universal truth.

We all, deep down, want to be liked.

So, when we take the courageous step of introducing ourselves to someone new, whether at a coffee shop, networking event, or yoga class, we’re putting our social courage to the test.

And let’s be honest: sometimes, we blow it.

Maybe you came off too eager. Maybe you were awkward or distracted. Maybe you were trying to be funny and… weren’t (guilty as charged!).

The important thing is this: a bad first impression is not a permanent sentence. It’s recoverable. But it requires awareness, humility, and follow-through.

This week, we’re exploring how to bounce back from a rough social start and how those small do-overs can lead to bigger social growth.

First Impressions Stick—But They Don’t Have To

Social psychologists have long studied the “primacy effect,” where early information disproportionately shapes our long-term view of someone. This is why first impressions feel so loaded, and why a poor one can linger awkwardly.

But recent research, like that from Vanessa Bohns at Cornell and Juliana Schroeder at UC Berkeley, shows that people are often far more forgiving than we think. Their studies reveal that most people underestimate how much others like them after initial interactions: a phenomenon known as “The Liking Gap.” That means your bad impression may not have been as bad as you thought.

Still, if you’re convinced you flubbed it, here are four steps to help you recover, after a word from this week’s sponsor.

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1. Own It Without Obsessing Over It

A brief, sincere acknowledgment goes a long way. If you came on too strong, stumbled over your words, or acted aloof, you can say something like:
"Hey, I realize I was a little off earlier. I’d love to reset and actually hear about you."

Don’t turn it into a dramatic apology tour.

Acknowledge, pivot, and move on.

The goal is to signal that you’re socially attuned, not self-absorbed.

2. Pivot to a New Social Cue

Bad impressions usually form because of a single poorly received behavior. You can counter it by showing a different side. If you seemed arrogant, pivot to curiosity. If you were awkward, pivot to thoughtfulness. Let your next interaction add nuance to their perception of you.

Even something simple like remembering the person’s name, referencing a shared detail from earlier, or offering a genuine compliment helps reframe their impression.

3. Play the Long Game

This is where having routines and repeat exposure helps (remember last month’s newsletter on relationship routines?).

Sociologist Mark Granovetter’s work on “weak ties” reminds us that regular, low-stakes contact with acquaintances leads to stronger bonds over time.

So don’t worry if your first interaction wasn’t flawless.

Show up again at the dog park, the Thursday book club, the morning café, wherever, and your consistency will speak louder than any misstep.

4. Keep Putting Yourself Out There

Diverse social ties are one of the most protective factors in aging well. But those ties don’t happen by accident. They require intentional effort—especially in midlife and beyond, when it’s easier to retreat than to reach out.

So, yes, starting new relationships is risky.

It takes vulnerability.

And sometimes, it’ll be clumsy.

But clumsy connection is better than none at all.

And some of the best friendships have an awkward origin story, don’t they?

This Week’s Challenge: The Second Impression Game

Think of one person you’ve met recently where the vibe didn’t quite click: maybe a neighbor, a new coworker, or someone at your gym.

Before next week’s newsletter hits your inbox, find a low-key way to reconnect this week.

Send a message, offer a smile, share a compliment, or invite them for coffee.

Sometimes, a second impression is all it takes.

What’s your best awkward start to a friendship story? Mine involves a conversation with a colleague not realizing the iPhone connection was live while I shared my (not-so-stellar) first impressions of the new person on the other end of the line. I ate crow (yum, yum!), and we recovered. Do you have something to top that? Just hit reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏

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