Like a fine wine: your connections get better with age

Hi there, happy Thursday!

Welcome to issue #16 of the Network Wrangler. Here’s what we’re covering today:

• The gold in your old and cold connections (part 2 in a series)

• How to use social media to craft your Inner Circle

Unlock the GOLD in your Old and Cold Connections

As we covered last week, Dutch sociologist Geral Mollenhorst has shown we replace half of our social network every seven years or so. This means that people you once had close relationships with and invested a lot of social capital in (through authentically engaging and creating value with them) are still out there, just no longer in your close social network.

So how do your connections go cold? It’s a matter of cognitive capacity, even for the biggest brained among us. British anthropologist Robin Dunbar proposed in the 1990s that there’s a correlation between primate brain size and average group size. He posited that humans can comfortably maintain 150 stable relationships.

And what is a stable relationship? For today’s newsletter, let’s define it as being able to recall quickly the reciprocity status of the relationship with the person: who owes whom a favor? Put another way: who’s got the social capital saved up, and who is in arrears for adding value?

Dunbar says our quantified limit for knowing this status is at about 150 unique relationships. While Facebook and LinkedIn and Instagram are good at helping us put faces to names, they don’t help us track the reciprocity status.

So what happens when we meet someone new and start to build a new relationship?

Well, something’s gotta give. And that something that goes by the wayside is typically the oldest (in terms of time since last contact) and coldest (in terms of strength of contact) connection in your network.

You don’t actively choose who to let go to make room. Your brain naturally does this for you. Which, it turns out, is actually a GOOD thing.

See, those connections, that still have reciprocity potential stored up in them, can be resurrected at a moment’s notice simply by reaching out to warm them up via some kind of contact: email, text, phone call, knock on the front door, or Facebook poke (do those even still exist?).

And yes, this means the next oldest and coldest connection in your network goes poof (thx, Dunbar!).

But now you’ve unlocked something amazing: you’re back in touch with someone you’ve already established a close connection with in the past and likely still have social capital to spend between you.

Since your last contact, they’ve gone off and lived a completely separate life from yours since, having all kinds of experiences, relationships, successes, and lessons learned. And until you ask about it, you know nothing about what’s happened.

Kind of like the situation you’re in with meeting a brand new connection, right?

Once you’re back in contact, you’re exploring who each other are today, and what you can do for each other today. And thanks to the no-longer-old-and-cold-connection, you’re already close to them and have a baseline of trust and reciprocity developed between you.

Those are the perfect ingredients for feeling sociological safety and create an awesome jumping-off point for innovation and exploration.

Who better to ask for a referral or an introduction or a fresh set of eyes on what you’re doing than this newly resurrected contact?

Now, if I’m looking to expand my network, and I’m given the option between a) going to a networking event where I know no one to start meeting folks and b) reaching out to my old-and-cold connections to get an introduction, I’ll choose (b) every time. The odds are ever so much more in my favor.

Now, of course we have all heard about the one-in-a-million introductions that happen at these speed-dating type networking events, but those are more akin to lottery odds than calculated-risk odds.

To help you calculate those odds, remember: by the time we hit midlife, our networks are full of at least 250 people who’ve moved from close connection to old-and-cold status simply because our brains aren’t big enough to track all our close connections over time (and we’re constantly meeting new people!).

That’s quite the motherlode of opportunity to dig into.

So what’s stopping you?

Don’t know what to say? You’re in luck.

Stay tuned.

(Next week, in part 3, I’ll provide some email templates for reaching out to your oldest and coldest connections, and why you’re making the world a better place for doing so!)

The Role of Social Media in Crafting Your Inner Circle

Social media is not just a tool for leisure or casual connections; it is a powerful platform for building and maintaining a global Inner Circle. Our Inner Circle, composed of mentors, motivators, connectors, challengers, and supporters, can significantly impact our personal and professional growth.

We’ve talked a lot in past newsletters (and above) about how to harness your existing connections to build your network, but how exactly do we leverage social media to craft such a transformative network?

Let’s dive in to understand how the strategic use of these platforms can help us extend our reach and influence beyond geographical boundaries, creating opportunities and fostering relationships that were once beyond our grasp.

Expand Your Reach with Intentionality

Social media allows us to connect with like-minded individuals across the globe. Whether we’re using LinkedIn, X (Twitter), Instagram, or newer platforms like TikTok, each has its unique way of fostering connections. The key is to use these platforms with intention. Before you even log in, begin by identifying the qualities you seek in your Inner Circle and then search the platform you’re on for individuals who exhibit these traits. Follow thought leaders, join groups aligned with your interests, and participate in discussions. This proactive approach turns social media into a tool for strategic networking.

Engage with Authenticity

While it's all too easy to get lost in the vastness of social media, meaningful connections require authenticity. Engage genuinely with content that resonates with you by commenting, sharing your insights, and contributing valuable content of your own making. Bring your voice to the discussion(s). Authentic interactions on platforms not only increase visibility with the discussion starter but also attract people in the audience who share your values and goals. Over time, these interactions can evolve into deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Leverage Content to Showcase Your Brand

Social media gives you a platform to share your journey, showcase your successes, and articulate your goals. Use this space to tell your story in a way that reflects your personal brand and shares your personal mission. This transparency allows potential Inner Circle members to understand who you are and what you stand for, attracting individuals who resonate with your message and can contribute positively to your goals.

Nurture Relationships Virtually

You’ve made a new connection, great! However, once connections are made, they must be nurtured. Regular interaction is key, whether through direct messages, commenting on posts, or engaging in virtual meetups. We’re still coming out of the great isolation of COIVD, so tools like video calls and webinars are familiar to all to help maintain the personal touch necessary for deep relationships. Remember, the goal is to transform online connections into a cohesive part of your Inner Circle, despite physical distances.

To sum up, social media is a dynamic and powerful tool for building your global Inner Circle. By expanding your reach, engaging authentically, leveraging your personal brand, and nurturing relationships virtually, you can harness the potential of digital platforms to enhance your personal and professional life.

As we continue to navigate a world where digital and real-life interactions blend seamlessly, the ability to effectively manage and expand your Inner Circle through social media becomes an invaluable skill, and it’s one that transfers to all kinds of relationships you’re managing.

SCROLL: This Week’s Quick Hits

• Make up Your Mind: Benefits of a Growth Mindset. Yes, you can move from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. (Psychology Today)

• Study in the Journal of Neuroscience suggests the brain’s reward system works to make others happy, not just ourselves. (MedicalXpress)

• Research finds that women feeling lonely show increased brain activation in areas related to cravings when exposed to images of sugary foods, alongside decreased self-control towards eating. (Neuroscience News)

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That’s all for this week. See you next Thursday!

— Thomas

PS: Heads-up, April 30 is my next available date for coaching. We might be a good fit if you know you need to reconnect with your network and want to make 2024 the year you harness the power of your connections.

I work with clients to:

• audit their existing networks

• identify gaps and opportunities

• unleash the power of old and cold connections

Just reply to this email if you want to know more.

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