Pruning Your Network: Why, Who, and How

Hi there, happy Thursday!

Welcome to issue #22 of the Network Wrangler. It’s the last issue of May, and here’s what we cover today (oh, so poetic):

• Pruning Makes Your Network Better

• Finding the Best Motivator for Your Inner Circle

Pruning Your Network: Why, Who, and How

Our brains are only so big, and we only have so much cognitive capacity to keep track of 150 stable relationships comfortably. That’s our Dunbar’s number, or what some people call our 150 casual connections.

Sure, Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn help us see that we have a much larger quantitative network of all the folks we’ve ever connected to.

However, this isn’t about quantity, it’s about quality.

Our Dunbar’s number refers to a qualitative finite edge of our network, where a sense of reciprocity (who owes whom a favor) and the obligation to fulfill that reciprocity ends.

This means that every new person you meet and form a relationship with displaces someone you already had a relationship with. With the exception of a precious few hermits, we’re all engaged in the process of meeting new people in some way or another. (Why else are you reading this newsletter?)

But who gets displaced? It’s the person whose connection to you is the oldest (since last contact) and coldest (the weakest connection, compared to the other 149).

So, how does your brain keep score on who’s oldest and coldest? I’ve not yet found a scientific study that reveals exactly how it does, but we do know it happens. And it happens at such a rate that research by Geral Mollenhorst reveals we replace half our social network every seven years or so.

I like to refer to Mollenhorst’s findings as the “Dunbar Churn Rate.” You can safely assume that you will replace 75 (half of 150) connections in your network every seven years.

Because we don’t know how the brain keeps score of whom to replace next, the people who are candidates to leave courtesy of the Dunbar Churn are hard to pinpoint. This isn’t some stack rank list of names like managers are supposed to have in their back pocket should layoffs loom. It’s a lot fuzzier than that.

Yes, we can focus on keeping solid with the 50 people who are closest to us, but that leaves the other 100 from which the oldest and coldest slip away through the Dunbar Churn.

What if we could instead be intentional about making room for new connections in our network? We can use our knowledge of the Dunbar Churn to harness the power of our new connections better.

Why should we be intentional about this? If you’re looking for a job, studies show your network is over 10 times more likely to land you a callback for an open position than if you simply applied to a job listing on your own (40-60% vs 3-5%).

And so this leads us to the practice of pruning our network connections. It’s the practice of creating space in our networks for new connections to form.

But who should get pruned? Now’s a great time to audit who’s in your network to figure out how they align with your goals for your future (the “new you” we discussed in last week’s newsletter 🦎 🧠 ).

There are four considerations to think about for someone to stay in your network:

1. On Target: Is this person someone you aspire to be like or to be connected with when you become the new you? Keep those people that make you want to be a better person (leader, spouse, parent, etc). Your Mentors are the best examples of those on target.

2. Along Trajectory: If they’re not already on target for you, are they at least headed in the same direction as where you want to be? Will they be cheering your progress toward your goal? Your Motivators are the best examples of those along the trajectory.

3. In Reciprocity: How much value are they providing you compared to the value you’re giving them? The lower the ratio (inbound to outbound), the better candidates they are for pruning. Here’s where you really need to practice diligence. You need to conserve your attention for connections who bring value to you in at least the same way you give value to them. If someone is taking more of your time and attention than they are contributing back to you, they are the prime candidates for pruning.

4. Tied to Past: How much are they invested in the current/old you and therefore (thanks to their lizard brain) not supportive of you changing? You know who these people are. And if you find they are still in your casual connections, it’s time to push them out.

So you’ve identified candidates for pruning. Give yourself a pat on the back for the hard work, especially if you’re one of those who strive to be inclusive and kind. Now, how do you actually do the pruning?

We practice network pruning through selective inattention. We prune by consciously ceasing to pay attention to a connection, like letting it wither on the vine. This is similar to the Irish goodbye at a party: it’s a silent exit from the connection. Clean, quiet and courteous.

Pruning is NOT a dramatic and vocal breakup (a la, "I’m posting here on Facebook that I’m quitting Facebook!”). You don’t reach out to say you’re breaking the connection. You just let it die off, fading into that fuzzy place where connections transition from inside Dunbar to become old and cold.

Pruning hastens the Dunbar Churn in your network by relieving you of the burden of attention you have to pay to your entire network, be it to those close in, or to those out at the periphery of your casual connections.

Beware, however. The lizard brain wants you to stay attached to these folks, so expect this selective inattention to be hard for someone selected for pruning due to a reciprocity imbalance or because they’re tied to the past. Just remember that you’re breaking a habit.

Just think of what you’ll do with all this new room!

Identifying a Motivator: Key Traits to Look For

Let’s talk about the next archetype I cover in the Inner Circle Effect: the Motivator. (see last week’s Mentor)

Motivators are invaluable assets in our lives—they inspire us to push forward, stay committed, and overcome obstacles. Whether in professional settings or personal pursuits, having someone who embodies the motivator archetype can significantly enhance your drive and resolve. But what qualities define a true motivator, and how can you identify someone with these traits in your network or beyond?

Here’s a guide to finding that inspirational force in your life.

1. Positive and Energetic Attitude: 

Motivators have an infectious enthusiasm. They exude a positive energy that makes challenges seem surmountable and goals achievable. Look for individuals who consistently approach situations with optimism and who can lift the spirits of those around them, even in difficult times.

2. Great Communicator: 

Effective motivators are also excellent communicators. They know how to convey ideas clearly and persuasively, often using stories or analogies to inspire action. Listen for individuals whose words are not just heard but felt, driving others to move forward with confidence and determination.

3. Empathy and Understanding: 

To truly motivate, one must understand the emotional states of others. Seek out those who show genuine empathy, who can relate to your struggles and provide encouragement tailored to your specific circumstances. Look for those who have the emotional intelligence to uplift and energize effectively.

4. Demonstrated Success: 

Individuals who motivate others often lead by example. They have achieved goals and overcome obstacles themselves, providing a blueprint for others. Listen for those whose success stories serve as direct motivation, proving that hard work and resilience pay off.

5. Commitment to Others’ Success: 

A key sign of a true motivator is their genuine interest in seeing others succeed. They invest time in helping others excel and celebrate their achievements as if they were their own. Look for those who have an Abundance mindset and know that we’re all making the pie bigger, not stealing slices from others.

Finding a motivator involves observing how people interact in various settings—workshops, meetings, and social gatherings. Notice who naturally energizes the group and who people gravitate towards when in need of a boost. Engaging more with such individuals can help you determine if they might be a motivator in your Inner Circle, pushing you towards greater achievements and helping you maintain momentum in your endeavors.

SCROLL: This Week’s Quick Hits

• There’s still time: 27 ways to make a positive change in 2024 (Mindjournal)

• Let’s Talk: Web-based chats boost brain function in older adults (Neuroscience News)

• Webinar on June 12, 2024 at noon EDT: Reigniting Your Network 

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That’s all for this week. See you next Thursday!

— Thomas

Got any feedback for me? Just hit reply. I read every email.

PS: Heads-up, June 10 is my next available date for coaching. We might be a good fit if you know you need to reconnect with your network and want to make 2024 the year you harness the power of your connections.

I work with clients to:

• audit their existing networks

• identify gaps for pruning and opportunities for growth

• unleash the power of old and cold connections

Just reply to this email if you want to know more.