Build Your Skills to Better Connect

Hi there, happy Thursday!

Welcome to issue #31 of the Network Wrangler. Following last week’s issue about following your curiosity, I received several requests to dive deeper into the actual skills we rely on to connect with others.

This issue is about skills-building in two important areas: networking (to make connections) and communications (to strengthen those connections):

• Refining Your Networking Skills for Better Connections

• Unlocking the Secret Language of Connection

A warning for those who like their newsletters short: this isn’t one, but I’ve used lots of bullets to help you digest the material. :-)

Refining Your Networking Skills for Better Connections

We all know that networking is an essential skill in any professional's arsenal, but not everyone finds it easy to connect with others effectively. It all comes down to the skill of connecting with others. And because it’s a skill (not an innate personality trait), we can build and hone this skill to make it easier and more second nature to connect and manage our networks.

Now, I’ve done lots and lots of research to supplement my decades of practice, so I like to think I know much of the network science and psychology that underpins what makes for successful connections. Yet, even armed with this knowledge, I still sometimes find myself balking at reaching out to others out of misplaced anxiety and a faulty sense of self-worth.

What’s up with that?!

The more I talk with clients and others about where they are at in their networking efforts, the more I realize that, with few exceptions, we all experience situational anxiety about the state of our networks. Do we know enough people? Do we know the right people? Are our connections strong enough? What have I done for them lately?

Never mind the anxiety that can come from confronting a required expansion of the list of people we know, we all find it daunting, at times, to put ourselves out there to connect or reconnect.

So, regardless of your energy level or bravery, here are some suggestions for enhancing your ability to network. Incorporating these into your networking routine will make it easier and more fruitful to find new opportunities, insights, and collaborations.

1. Set Clear Objectives

   Before reaching out to a potential connection (or attending any networking event), define your objectives clearly. What do you hope to achieve by connecting? Are you looking for a mentor, seeking business opportunities, or aiming to learn about new trends in your industry? Having specific goals will help you target the right events and individuals, making your networking efforts more focused and effective.
   
   It’s even okay to have an objective of “you seem cool, and I’d like to get to know you better.” Who doesn’t like to hear they’re cool?
   

2. Develop an Elevator Pitch

   Building off your objective, prepare a concise and compelling elevator pitch that summarizes who you are, what you do, and what value you bring to the context you’re networking in. If it’s a professional setting, identify your professional value. If it’s a parenting setting, identify what you can do for other parents. If it’s an area of interest (hobby, sport, etc), identify what value you bring to others there. An effective pitch will pique interest and open up avenues for deeper conversation, making initial interactions smoother and more productive.
   
   Keep your pitch to less than 15 seconds (it’s a quick elevator ride). No one wants to be forced to listen to someone drone on about themselves, no matter how well-intentioned.
   

3. Practice Active Listening

   Good networking isn’t just about talking; it’s equally about listening. Show genuine interest in what others have to say. Active listening involves asking thoughtful questions and reflecting on the responses, which not only helps in understanding the speaker better but also demonstrates your interest and respect for their perspectives. Be curious, not cavalier.
   
   We’ve all participated in conversations where the other person is simply listening for a break to start talking again and seems to have little interest in learning what we have to say. This is your chance to show you really want to know how and what they think, and it’ll set you apart from the rest.
   

4. Follow Up

   Networking doesn’t end with the exchange of contact information. Follow up with your new contacts through a personalized email or message. Make sure to reference specific details from your interaction (see item 3 above) to reinforce the connection. This follow-up is crucial in converting a brief meeting into a lasting connection that can become a solid relationship.
   
   Make sure your follow-up is in the right medium! In a recent workshop, I shared some sample email templates to use to reach out to their connections. One of the participants asked if they could instead use WhatsApp to convey the content because an email would seem out of place. Know your intended connection, and meet them where they’re at.
   

5. Continuously Improve Communication Skills

   Saving the best for last…
   
   Effective communication is absolutely key to successful networking. Regularly work on enhancing both your verbal and non-verbal communication skills. Participate in workshops, join public speaking groups, or even practice with peers to become more articulate and confident in how you present your ideas to others.
   
   It used to be we had to search hard to find opportunities to practice communicating, but thanks to the internet and social media, we have to work hard to avoid communicating with others.
   
   The confidence that comes from being a good communicator cannot be understated, and the next section of this issue explores this skill in greater depth…

By practicing these activities, networking can become a more natural and rewarding part of your life. Each interaction with another person offers a learning opportunity, enabling you to refine your approach continuously. With practice and persistence, connecting with others will become easier, opening up a world of opportunities.

Think of it like going to the gym: when you first engage those underdeveloped muscles, it hurts. But by being consistent in your efforts, you build them up, and the weights that seemed so heavy to start are now lifted as an afterthought.

Unlocking the Secret Language of Connection

One of my longtime readers (thank you, Wendy!) sent me a link to a podcast with Charles Duhigg in response to last week’s Network Wrangler.

The material that Duhigg shared in the podcast interview was an eye-opener, similar in caliber to reading or watching most anything that Simon Sinek or Adam Grant or Brené Brown puts out there. He revealed shards of the deep truths that underlie our daily interactions' effectiveness (or not).

You might know Duhigg as the author of the Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better. This year he published the book Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, and I love the way he writes to demystify the superpower of communicating well with others.

There’s gold sprinkled throughout the book, and even in the prologue, he shares this gem, which is directly relevant to how we network with others:

If you don’t have time to listen to the podcast (at 1.5x speed!), here’s a rundown of some of the communication concepts that leaped out at me as applicable when connecting with others the first time or the nth time:

• The best communicators understand that whenever we engage with someone, we’re participating in one of three distinct conversations: a practical one (What’s this really about?), an emotional one (How do we feel right now?), or a social one (Who are we to be talking right now?).
  
  If you don’t know which kind of conversation you’re having with someone, you’re unlikely to connect.
  

  To become a Supercommunicator, you have to know the importance of recognizing—and then matching—each kind of conversation, and to know how to hear the various emotions, unstated negotiations, and belief structures that skew so much of what we speak and the ways we listen.
  

• A real relationship is a two-way street. It’s all about the reciprocity shared between two people that makes and strengthens the bond. And this reciprocity can be found in the value of shared emotional vulnerability (some might call it emotional intimacy).
  
  Ask hard questions of each other, and provide similarly deep answers to each other.

  
  If you answer the question, “what are you most proud of?” with “my kids,” you give an opportunity to your conversation partner to say, “mine too!” And it’s in that discovery of a shared similarity that the bond begins to form.
  

• When you’ve just met someone, ending your brief introductory conversation is sometimes harder than it was starting it. When it’s obvious they (or you) need to move along, the best way to navigate this awkwardness is to remember to convey that you like the person.
  
  But how do you let them know you like them? Acknowledge that you have to let them go with the following:
  
  “Before you go, I just have one more question…”
  
  This demonstrates you recognize your time is coming to an end, but you are interested enough in them to ask just one more thing before they go. Who doesn’t like to be reminded they’re interesting enough for one more?
  

• The hardest part of any conversation is the anxiety we bring to it. The antidote to this anxiety is found in how we show our partner we want to connect, The more we show we want to connect, the easier it is for all involved.
  

• Communication is simply a set of skills: asking deep questions, looping for understanding (reflecting back what we heard), and showing you want to connect.
  
  These skills might be different than the communication habits we have built up growing up, so it’ll feel awkward at first, but keep at it.
  

• Never, ever underestimate the power of sending a message that says, “I would like to connect. I don’t have anything specific to talk about, I just want to connect.”
  
  We all want to feel connected, and being brave enough to call it like it is makes our connections stronger for it.

Who are you going to connect with this weekend? And what’s the real conversation that you’re going to have?

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