When Words Aren’t Required

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Hi there, it’s Thomas.

I was recently confronted by a bit of a paradox.

I’d been invited to a networking event in Palo Alto that would help me advance my quest to find a new job. I dressed the part. I had my elevator pitch down. I psyched myself up to be extroverted. And I got there fashionably late to ensure it’d be in full swing.

Yet, when I arrived at the reception area, within earshot of all the attendees already in twos and threes chattering away, I suddenly got super anxious and walked away.

WTF?! This should be my element, and yet…

After ten minutes of self-talk to convince myself to turn around and join the event, I finally did. And I met some interesting folks and ultimately enjoyed the time among strangers (no job offers yet).

The paradox is I’ve spent years living and learning about the power of networks, close relationships, and investing in social health to improve general well-being. I’ve got a rather large (and strong) network on LinkedIn and Facebook, and I have friends and acquaintances I can reach out to for a meal in countries all over the world.

And yet, I still struggle with the simplest activities to grow my network: approaching strangers and starting a conversation.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? Balancing a drink in one hand at a networking event, you brace yourself for that familiar dance: weather updates, traffic complaints, job titles.

Small talk.

Sure, it’s a skill (that you can improve), and it serves a purpose, but if it leaves you drained or uninspired, I hope you know that you’re—we’re—not alone.

The good news? It’s not the only path to meaningful connection. In fact, some of the most powerful social bonds are formed in silence, shared activity, or mutual presence, not chatter. I’ve parlayed these techniques over the decades to grow my network, and I continue to use them as my preferred methods over the cold-approach of small talk with strangers.

Julianne Holt-Lunstad, PhD, reminds us that strong relationships (not endless conversation) are one of the greatest predictors of long-term health and life satisfaction.

It’s not about what you say, it’s about showing up.

Connection Without Conversation: A Social Shortcut

In sociological terms, shared activity fosters what researchers call communitas: a sense of collective joy, belonging, and purpose that arises when people come together around a common goal or rhythm.

You don’t need witty banter to get there. You just need proximity, presence, and openness.

Think of the quiet nod to a fellow regular at your yoga studio. The shoulder-to-shoulder camaraderie on a shared hiking trail. The unspoken rhythm in a rowing class or making progress on a group project.

These are connections that bypass the need for small talk and go straight to a deeper, more intuitive form of bonding.

We’ll dive into six different talk-free ways to strengthen your social ties after a word from this week’s sponsor…

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Six Talk-Free Ways to Strengthen Social Ties

Here are six proven ways to forge real connections, no conversational acrobatics required:

1. Volunteer With Others

Serving alongside others creates instant camaraderie. There’s no need to force conversation when you’re already united by a shared mission, whether it's sorting food bank donations or planting trees in a community garden. According to the Stanford Center on Longevity, volunteering is also linked with better mental health and increased life satisfaction.

2. Take a Group Class

Pottery, cooking, dance, woodworking, kiteboarding: it doesn’t matter what you’re learning. What matters is that you’re learning together. That mutual newbie vulnerability (and the accompanying low-stakes mistakes) lowers social walls and makes people more approachable. Laughter over failed bread loaves or misshapen mugs creates connection far beyond what a coffee chit-chat can do.

3. Join a Book Club or Film Group

Not all introverts dislike conversation, they just prefer meaningful conversation. In a book club, the focus is already set. Discussion springs from story, theme, and character, offering depth without the pressure of small talk. As literary sociologist Wendy Griswold argues, cultural conversations like these create a sense of shared identity that transcends superficiality.

4. Go on a Group Hike

Walking side by side with someone, the silence feels natural, not awkward. And when you do talk, the conversation tends to be more reflective. Brigham Young University researchers have shown that regular participation in group outdoor activity correlates with both stronger social bonds and longer life spans.

5. Join a Rec Sports League

From darts and dodgeball to casual soccer or (even) pickleball, recreational sports tap into a powerful truth: play is primal. You don’t have to be good, just willing. As you pass the ball or celebrate a lucky point, bonds form effortlessly. Connection emerges from shared motion and celebration, not clever quips.

6. Practice Mindfulness in Community

Group meditation, yoga, or breathwork sessions create a space where silence connects us. Sitting in quiet with others can forge emotional resonance that words can’t reach. The presence of others doing the same inward work cultivates trust, calm, and what philosopher Martin Buber would call “I–Thou” connection, rooted in mutual recognition.

Connection Is a State of Being, Not a Script

The idea that connection must come from conversation is a cultural myth. In truth, the foundation of connection is presence: being open, attentive, and willing to participate in shared experience.

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson’s theory of “micro-moments of positivity resonance” suggests that even brief, silent moments of shared emotion (like a shared laugh or synchronized breathing) can measurably boost emotional and physical well-being. These don’t require small talk. They require attention.

And if there’s anything we need more of in a world where the algorithms are pitting us against each other, it’s moments of shared experience to build community with those close by.

This Week’s Challenge: Make Space for Quiet Connection

Here’s your experiment before next week’s issue hits your inbox:

• Join one activity this week where connection can happen without conversation, whether it’s volunteering, hiking, playing, or meditating.

• Invite one friend or acquaintance to do something with you, without the pressure of having to talk the whole time.

• Notice the moments where connection happens quietly: eye contact, laughter, a shared smile, or even synchronized silence.

Jot down what felt different.

Because sometimes, the deepest conversations start with no words at all.

What’s your preferred way of connecting with others? Embrace or skip the small talk? Let me know by hitting reply — your email goes straight to my inbox. 🙏