Overcoming Feedback Resistance (it's a thing)

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Hi there, happy Thursday!

Welcome to issue #24 of the Network Wrangler. I’m honored to be sponsored by the actual business behind this newsletter platform (ever thought of doing your own newsletter? details at the end), and here’s what we’re covering today:

• Is Feedback Resistance Feeding Your Lizard Brain?

• Challengers as Catalysts for Growth

Caveat: it’s a long-ish one today, so skip ahead past the picture if you prefer.

Overcoming Feedback Resistance: Getting Help from Your Social Networks

I have a piece of paper taped to my bathroom mirror so I can read it every morning as I brush my teeth. It says, “There’s a future version of you that will only exist if the present version of you is willing to venture out of its comfort zone.”

I need this daily reminder because I’m a recovering “status quo addict.”

See, several events during the COVID isolation hit hard (details I can share over a good whiskey), and there was a lot I had to process, including the simple fact I was so overwhelmed.

Just a few issues ago (#21), we discussed how our Lizard Brain (our limbic system) fights to keep the status quo because its overriding directive is “familiar = safe.”

And my Lizard Brain was working on overdrive to stay with the familiar, even though my particular brand of familiar truly sucked.

After much internal work, I finally turned the mental corner last year and set about to make changes to my familiar, my status quo.

Being the network-minded person I am, one of the first places I looked for help was getting feedback from others on what I needed to change and how.

But a funny thing happened on the way to my incorporating this feedback. I ran smack dab into the phenomenon of feedback resistance, the psychological tendency to dismiss or react negatively to constructive criticism.

You, me, we ALL know feedback is a critical element of personal and professional growth. Yet, many individuals (even me!) experience feedback resistance. Even when we seek it out proactively. Thanks, Lizard Brain.

I learned that this resistance typically stems from a natural defense mechanism aimed at protecting one's self-esteem and identity. It’s perceived as a threat rather than an opportunity. For me, the feedback was hitting my self-esteem and triggering all kinds of shame. And so I was having all kinds of emotional responses like anger and denial and even anxiety which led me to reject the very feedback I’d asked for!

But, as I studied the phenomenon more, I came to realize that the consequences of my ignoring valuable feedback included missed opportunities for personal development, strained relationships with others, and continued stagnation (Lizard Brain loved this, though).

I understood that, psychologically, this resistance is rooted in the need to maintain a positive self-concept and avoid the discomfort of cognitive dissonance—the mental stress or discomfort experienced when confronted with new information that contradicts existing beliefs. It’s rooted in staying with the familiar.

Luckily, I came to learn and to experience how social networks play a crucial role in helping individuals like me overcome feedback resistance by providing support, perspective, and validation. Whether these networks are formed of close friends, family, or professional colleagues, they create the kind of safe environment where feedback can be received and processed more constructively.

Experiencing a degree of feedback rejection yourself or know someone who is? Here’s how to use your networks to overcome it:

1. Supportive Relationships: In a supportive social setting, feedback is more likely to be perceived as well-intentioned and trustworthy, reducing the immediate defensive response. Trusted and respected friends or colleagues can deliver feedback in a way that is easier to accept and consider.
   
   By confiding with a few trusted folks in my own network the fact I was experiencing feedback rejection, they helped me to get to the bottom of why (see above).
   

2. Diverse Perspectives: Your network includes a range of perspectives, providing a broader context for the feedback. Seeking out and finding that others might share similar views or have faced comparable challenges can help normalize the feedback and reduce feelings of isolation or targeting.
   
   When I found that the motivation for the feedback was wider spread, it defanged my defense of believing it was just a single person’s viewpoint.
   

3. Modeling Receptivity: Observing how others in your network handle feedback effectively serves as a positive model. Social learning theory teaches us that individuals learn new behaviors by observing and imitating others, especially those we consider as role models.
   
   I am lucky to count some really evolved people in my network, and seeing the great things that happened when they excitedly incorporated feedback into future plans helped demonstrate the positive outcomes possible by curing my feedback rejection.

Interested in learning by doing? Here are some quick thoughts on strategies to leverage your networks for feedback:

• Actively seek feedback from trusted people in your network to foster a culture of open communication and continual growth.

• Discuss the feedback with others to gain additional insights and different interpretations that may ease your ability to accept it.

• Use your interactions to practice receiving and giving feedback constructively, enhancing your skills in navigating these exchanges on both sides.

By engaging with and relying on our social networks, we can overcome the instinctual, lizard-brain resistance to feedback and harness it as a powerful tool for personal and professional development.

Doing so not only enriches our own lives but also strengthens the communal bonds within our networks, fostering an environment of mutual growth and understanding. If I can kick the habit of feedback rejection, so can you.

Identifying a Challenger: Embracing the Catalysts for Growth

Let’s talk about the next archetype I cover in the Inner Circle Effect: the Challenger. (See also Mentors, Motivators, and Connectors)

In every successful person’s journey, you can find a challenger—someone who pushes them to question norms, confront their limits, call them on their bullshit, and think critically. Challengers are crucial for personal and professional growth as they encourage us to stretch beyond our comfort zones, both emotional and intellectual.

Here’s how to identify and engage with a Challenger to be in your network:

1. Provokes Thoughtful Discussion:

   A true Challenger often stands out in discussions by asking probing questions that encourage deeper thinking. They challenge the status quo and aren’t afraid to voice alternative perspectives. Look for individuals who are not just contrarians for the sake of it but those who offer constructive criticism that prompts others to think critically. (This is easy to do if you’re in the Netherlands or Denmark!)

2. Respects Differing Opinions:

   Effective Challengers respect differing opinions and use them as a foundation for dialogue. They understand that growth often comes from the clash of differing viewpoints and seek to create an environment where these discussions can occur respectfully and productively. There’s no “Minnesota Nice” about it.

3. Demonstrates Intellectual Curiosity:

   Challengers are inherently curious and constantly seek to learn more about the world around them. This trait drives their desire to challenge others as they bring insights from various fields and perspectives into conversations. You’re not looking for a fixed mindset here, this is where growth mindset abounds.

4. Inspires Action:

   Lastly, a Challenger inspires action. They not only motivate you to think differently but also encourage you to act differently. Their challenges are geared towards driving change, not just contemplation. A bias toward action is all they know, and it’s their hallmark.

Be forewarned: engaging with a Challenger involves openness to criticism and a willingness to debate. When you find someone who pushes the boundaries of your thinking and encourages you to move forward with boldness, you’ve likely found a Challenger. Embrace their perspective as a catalyst for your growth and watch as new dimensions of your potential unfold.

In hindsight, one of the best aspects of my job running the global ecosystem for Singularity University was meeting so many people from Northern Europe who completely upended the American way I’d learned to give and receive feedback. Time after time, they dove right into our conversations by giving me harsh yet critically helpful feedback on what I was trying to do. I learned to develop thick skin quickly to weather the well-intentioned assaults, and my work product got so much better for these connections. I’m proud to say I can count them among my close friends even to this day.

SCROLL: This Week’s Quick Hits

• The science behind having a great conversation. (WIRED)

• Why you’re so bad at giving and receiving compliments, and how to fix that. (AoM Podcast)

• How to train your brain to be more optimistic. (FastCo)

Was this newsletter forwarded to you? Sign up to get your very own copy direct to your mailbox starting next week!

That’s all for this week. See you next Thursday!

— Thomas

PS: Heads-up, June 25 is my next available date for coaching. We might be a good fit if you know you need to reconnect with your network and want to make the second half of 2024 the time you harness the power of your connections.

I work with clients to:

• audit their existing networks

• seek out the gaps and opportunities

• identify and unleash the power of old and cold connections

Just reply to this email if you want to know more.

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